The Sucker/Transcript

Darwin and Julius in Detention

[The episode starts off with the front entrance of the school. The scene then cuts to a door with a piece of paper attached to it, reading "DETENTION." Buzzing and the sound of cell doors opening are heard. Julius, leisurely sitting in his chair, turns around and sees Principal Brown bringing Darwin into the room]

Nigel Brown: Maybe a little time in here will help you think about what you did, Watterson.

[Principal Brown makes the buzzer and cell door sound effects with his mouth. He closes the door, and Darwin sits next to Julius]

Darwin: Hello! You're Julius Oppenheimmer Junior, right? I'm Darwin. We met last year in the schoolyard.

Julius: Are you the one who screams when his arms come off?

Darwin: [Shakes his head] Mm-mm.

Julius: Are you the one who passes out when he is held upside down for four hours?

Darwin: Nope!

Julius: Are you the one who has trouble walking when his legs are pulled off and put back on the wrong way around?

Darwin: I'll give you a clue. Two weeks of physiotherapy and a forever whistling nose. [Whistles his nose for a few seconds]

Julius: [In realization] Oh, yeah. You hang out with the blue one, with the big head I turned inside out.

Darwin: So, how come you're in dental-tension?

Julius: It's called detention, and I'm here because I had a little trouble with my art project.

[Flashback to Julius throwing pink toilet paper at a tree. The thrown toilet paper forms the word "VANDALISM." Principal Brown enters]

Nigel Brown: [Reading] "Vandalism"? Detention!

[Flashback ends]

Julius: And what are you in for?

Darwin: Same sort of thing.

[Flashbacks to Darwin throwing pink toilet paper at the same tree. He adds "IS BAD" below "VANDALISM." Principal Brown enters again]

Nigel Brown: [Reading] "Vandalism is bad"? Admirable sentiment, but still vandalism. Detention!

[Flashback ends]

Darwin: So, what do you do in detention?

Julius: Well, I was gonna start with a bit of popping.

Darwin: Popping? Man, I love breakdancing! [Performs the arm wave]

Julius: Then, I guess some mauling.

Darwin: Going to the mall? Uh huh!

Julius: And to finish, some trampling.

Darwin: They have a trampoline now?! Oh man! Detention sounds great! I guess they must be going for a Scandinavian-rehabilitation approach.

Julius: [Laughs] You're pretty naive. I bet you're easy to manipulate—

Darwin: I'll do it!

Julius: What?

Darwin: Oh, sorry. I thought you wanted me to do something. Would— would you like me to do something?

Julius: Hold that thought. [Talks into his phone] I got one. He'll do whatever I say, and we'll never get in trouble again. He's a real sucker. How do I know? 'Cause he's holding the phone for me right now.

[Camera zooms out to reveal Darwin holding the phone for Julius]

Julius: Wanna come hang out with a bunch of older kids who have a reputation for being mean and manipulative?

Darwin: Do I?

Julius: Yes, you do.

Darwin: Yes, I do!

Julius: He's perfect. [Ends call and puts the phone in his pocket] Let's go.

Darwin Meets Julius' Friends

[Scene starts at an alleyway, with Darwin facing Julius's friends]

Darwin: Wow! You guys are so friendly! [Camera reveals Julius's friends as they menacingly laugh and stare down at him] It’s almost like, too friendly. But, of course, there's no such thing. So, what are your names?

Reaper: I'm Reaper.

Scythe: I'm Scythe.

Mowdown: And I'm Phillip.

Scythe: [Whispering] No, dude. That's your real name.

Mowdown: ...And I'm Mowdown.

Darwin: Reaper, Scythe, and Mowdown. Cool nicknames. So, I guess you're from farming families, or really into agriculture or something?

[Julius, Reaper, Scythe and Mowdown laugh; Julius, behind Darwin, walks up to his friends, high-fiving Mowdown]

Julius: Told you he was perfect.

Darwin: So, do you guys have a secret handshake? I got one you can have, look. [Darwin demonstrates the handshake] Then the other guy goes... [Darwin demonstrates the handshake from the other side] That bit obviously works better if there's two butts.

Scythe: He's beyond perfect. He's the unicorn of fools. The foolicorn.

Julius: And I can make him do anything.

Darwin's First Task

Julius: Hey, [Pointing at Alison] go clean out that old woman's purse.

[Camera focuses on the purse briefly. Darwin salutes to Julius. As Alison is seen sleeping, Darwin exits the alleyway, approaches the bench, and shows the purse to Julius. Julius gives a thumbs up and Darwin easily empties her purse. Julius reacts maliciously, but he and his friends become surprised as Darwin is shown cleaning the purse with a vacuum cleaner. He then puts all the contents back into the purse. As Darwin picks up a wallet, Julius shakes his head. Darwin then shrugs as Julius signals Darwin to take her money. Darwin suddenly realizes]

Darwin: [Nods] Oh!

[As Darwin takes a bill from the wallet, Julius gives a double thumbs up, but Darwin blows the dust off the bill instead, and puts it back. After that, Darwin puts an air freshener into the purse. At this point, Julius is infuriated, touching the bridge of his nose while his friends are confused. Darwin goes back to them]

Darwin: All cleaned out!

Julius: Okay, we'll try something else. [Grabs his phone and dials a number] Get a thousand dollars worth of pizza delivered at the police precinct... with extra bacon. [Passes phone to Darwin]

Darwin: Got it!

Pizza Prank

[Larry delivers a tower of pizza boxes to the police station. Julius, Darwin, Scythe, Reaper and Mowdown are hiding behind a bush to see the prank in action]

Larry: Pizza delivery!

[Doughnut Sheriff reacts in joy at the presence of the pizzas. Larry points out where Darwin and the detention kids are to Doughnut Sheriff. Doughnut Sheriff smiles and waves at them]

Julius: Wait. Why is that cop waving at us?

Darwin: Because of your generosity.

Julius: What do you mean?

Darwin: When the pizza place asked who it was from, I said you. And luckily, they already had your credit card details.

Julius: It was supposed to be cash on delivery. How is that a prank otherwise?!

Darwin: Well, it is kind of a prank, just... not on them.

Donut Cop: Hey, guys, thanks for the pizzas. Although, to make sure it doesn't look like a bribe, I'm gonna have to fine you for loitering. [Gives Julius a ticket]

Darwin: [Whispering] I'm having a great time.

Cover That Van in Dirt!

[The scene transitions to Darwin and the detention kids at the parking lot of the mall]

Julius: Okay, guys, give me one more chance to prove he's an easy mark.

Darwin: [Eavesdrops] Um, my name is Darwin. Just saying.

Julius: [Holds the bridge of his nose] Okay. [Points to Janice] You see that nice, clean van over there? You're gonna cover it in dirt.

Darwin: [Salutes] Right away.

[Darwin runs to a mud puddle juxtaposed to Janice, then launches dirt to cover the van after inhaling deeply; however, the dirt heaps into an intricate design of animals and jungle-like patterns]

Mister Small​​​: Wow, she looks great! I was thinking Janice could do with a little facelift. Here. [Gives Darwin a five dollar bill]

Darwin: Thank you, sir! [Walks back to Julius] I guess the money should go to the boss.

Julius: Thanks.

Scythe: Whoa! Who's to say I'm not the boss?!

Mowdown: Or me?!

Reaper: Yeah, you're not the leader! You don't have what it takes!

Julius: [Throws money to the ground] Oh, yeah?! Well, take this! [Kicks Reaper]

Reaper: [Screams in agony, before cutting himself off] Didn't hurt.

[Mowdown laughs at his ridicule; in retaliation, Reaper punches Mowdown in the chest. With the impact, a high-pitched voice from Mowdown's internal mechanism is played]

Voice: I love you this much!

Mowdown: Ignore that! I hate you this much!

[During the dialogue, Scythe picks up the money; Mowdown aims for Reaper but accidentally punches Scythe instead. The dynamic strength of the punch makes Scythe fly, tearing the money in half; subsequently, Julius, Reaper, and Mowdown see the money in half]

Julius, Reaper and Mowdown: Why, you-

Darwin: [Overpowering] Stop!

[Scythe lands on his face]

Scythe: [Turning his head up] Why?

Darwin: Because you guys gotta get along. And what better way, than with a song?

[Singing] With a friend, fun will never end,

You can depend from the time you spe—

[Song is abruptly interrupted]

Mowdown: Forget it! He ain't no friend of mine.

[The three other detention kids walk away from Julius]

Julius: Hey! Come back here!

Scythe: You're not the boss of us!

Mowdown: You can't even convince a little kid to do a single bad thing!

Darwin: Aw, I had another twenty-three things that rhymed with "friend".

Julius: I'll show them. I'm the master manipulator. I can make you do anything! [Walking away] Come on, let's jam.

[Darwin drums the metal of a nearby car]

Darwin: Just come in whenever you like!

[Julius grabs Darwin's hands and drags him, as he walks away]

Life All Ruined

[The scene transitions to Julius and Darwin in Elmore Junior High, near the swimming pool]

Julius: Okay, you're gonna go and leave a little surprise in the pool...

[Darwin reacts in horror]

Julius: [Pulls out a box of detergent] ...using this detergent.

Darwin: But trespassing is wrong! It's one of the seven sins— along with pride, wrath, Sleepy, Dopey, Blitzen—

Julius: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not trespassing if it's... for a good cause. [Chuckles]

Darwin: Why is this a good cause?

Julius: Because every child deserves access to clean water?

Darwin: [Suspiciously] That is the most [Enthusiastically] charitable thing I've ever heard!

[On the right of the duo is a door to the swimming pool]

Darwin: Okay, how am I gonna do this?

Julius: Just... use your head, kid.

Darwin: Okay. [Slams into the door with his head]

Julius: What are you doing?!

Darwin: [Pulls his head out of the door slot, resulting in a protruding, elongated pair of eyes] Using my head.

Julius: [Pulling out his credit card] Here, use this!

Darwin: [Taking the credit card] Thank you. [Inserts credit card into the door slot; smiles]

Julius: Why did you do that?!

Darwin: To pay for the damage to the door.

Julius: [Angered] No, it was to open the door; it's got my name and address on it!

Darwin: Oh, cool! Then they'll be able to return it.

Julius: [Running to the swimming pool] C'mere. We gotta get it back.

[Darwin also runs to follow him. Julius prepares to open the roller shutter of the swimming pool building]

Julius: On the count of three, I'll lift it up, and you drop and roll. One, two, three! [Lifts the roller shutter]

[Darwin drops and rolls outside the building instead of entering it]

Julius: No, you're supposed to go in! To get—

[The roller shutter slams down on his foot; Julius screams]

Darwin: Give me your phone.

[Julius hands over his phone]

Darwin: [Dials] My friend has hurt his foot and he needs medical assistance.

Julius: Who is that?

Darwin: Nine-one-one!

Julius: Are you crazy?!

Darwin: Don't worry. I'm not gonna be all like, "Oh, yeah, my friend Julius Oppenheimmer Jr., who lives on Park Road, broke his foot while trying to trespass at the public pool."

Donut Cop: [On phone] What?!

Darwin: I mean, this is an anonymous call! [Hangs up]

Julius: [Extremely irritated] You just gave them my name and address!

Darwin: Ah, anonymously.

Julius: And they can trace the call!

Darwin: [Throws Julius' phone to the ground, shattering it] Not anymore.

Julius: [Agitated] My phone! [Groans in anger] Just help me get my foot out!

[Both of them struggle to get his foot out of the shutter; they succeed, but Julius's foot ends up mangled]

Julius: Thanks for nothing! [Attempts to kick Darwin, but his foot injury causes him to scream in pain. Police sirens are heard in the background] Ah, they're coming! You gotta help me!

[Darwin helps Julius walk through the alleyway]

Julius: [Worried] Oh, no, they're gonna see us!

Darwin: Quick, let's kiss to hide our faces. It always works in spy movies! [Pushes Julius through a door]

Julius: No, no, no, no, no!

[Julius falls through the door]

Darwin: Sorry.

[Julius is shown with his body being very mangled up]

Julius: I'm fine. And given the choice, I'd take this option again.

[The scene cuts to Darwin helping Julius walk through the park toward a tree]

Julius: No, no, no... I can't— I can't walk much further. [Rests on a tree; exhales sharply] I'm gonna need some wheels. Go take someone's bike or something.

Darwin: Wait, that sounds like another bad thing!

Julius: Well, if you do this one bad thing now, we can do two good things later to make up for it.

Darwin: Do you mean like how the Romans invaded half of the world but then invented sandals and ice cream?

Julius: ...I don't think the Romans invented ice cream.

Darwin: Okay, just sandals then. There's two of them—

Julius: Agh, just get on with it!

Darwin: Yes, sorry. [Runs off-screen]

[As Debbie rides her bicycle leisurely, Darwin jumps out of a bush in front of her]

Darwin: I commandeer this vehicle!

[Debbie screams before swerving uncontrollably and falling to the ground]

Julius: [Appearing left of Darwin] Dude, that was my girlfriend!

Darwin: [Gasps] Quick, let's kiss before she sees you!

[Darwin persists to kiss Julius, which the latter hampers by pushing him away]

Debbie: [Sees and misinterprets Darwin's attempt to kiss as cheating] Julius, a text would have been enough! [Walks away]

Julius: No, no, no, wait! Debbie! I can explain! [He tries to catch up to her but cannot with his injured foot. He collapses to his knees and begins crying] What have you done?! I've lost my girlfriend, my crew, the police are after me, they've got my address, my parents will [Covers his face] be mad at me! You've ruined me! Who would have thought my life could have been destroyed by a dumb sucker who lives in a world of kittens and rainbows?

Darwin: Julius, stop. You're not making sense. In a world of kittens and rainbows, what would the kittens eat?

[Awkward pause]

Julius: Just go.

[Another awkward pause]

Darwin: [Looking upset] N—Now?

Julius: Immediately.

[Darwin begins walking away, disappointed; however, he turns around]

Darwin: No! I'm gonna fix this. Wait for me at the bus stop in half an hour!

Everything Is Fixed

[Julius is seen waiting at the bus stop. As the bus enters and leaves, Darwin is revealed next to him]

Darwin: All fixed.

Julius: [Skeptical] Really? How?

Darwin: Well, first...

[A depiction of Darwin's story plays]

Darwin: [Voice-over] I spoke to your friends, and they all agreed that you had to stick together after I told the Bikers your crew declared war on them.

[A past Darwin is shown writing "WAR" on a piece of paper and tying it to a brick. Darwin whistles to the Dolphin Man, who opens a window]

Dolphin Man: [Irritated] What?

[Darwin throws the brick at his face; the Dolphin Man lets out a pained grunt]

Julius: Wait, what? The Bikers?!

Darwin: Yeah, and then I patched things up with your girlfriend!

[A past Darwin "proposes" to Debbie in the mall; he opens a box revealing a ring in it]

Darwin: [Voice-over] You're getting married on Saturday.

[Everyone in the mall applauds]

Darwin: Oh, I also fixed the situation with the police.

Julius: Oh, let me guess, by making my life worse?!

Darwin: No! By making your father’s life worse!

[Darwin is seen taking a phone call on a payphone]

Darwin: [Voice-over] I told them it was Julius Oppenheimmer Sr. who tried to break into the pool.

[Julius’s father is shown walking out of the store with grocery bags. There is a siren and the police are all around him]

Julius Oppenheimmer Sr.: [Drops bags and puts his hands in the air] Were the coupons expired?!

Julius: What? My dad's been arrested?! My mom’s gonna go nuts when she finds out!

Darwin: [Laughs] She won’t, she's being deported!

Julius: But why?!

Darwin: I changed her passport to one from Switzenburgenstan!

Julius: That’s not even a country!

Darwin: Which is why they're gonna dump her in unchartered waters right about now.

[Julius' mother is shown in front of an airplane opening, while a flight attendant is juxtaposed to her]

Flight attendant: Thank you for flying with us. [Activates parachute]

[The parachute opening up causes Julius' mother to fly out of the airplane, while she screams; the flashback ends]

Julius: [Sobbing] You've made everything worse! [Notices Darwin with a "cheeky" expression] What?

Darwin: It was a joke! [Chuckles]

Julius: What? None of that happened?

Darwin: No! Now who's easy to manipulate? And don't worry, I fixed everything with your crew and your girlfriend.

Julius: [Relieved] Oh. Eh, [Exhales] well, I guess it shows if you bully someone enough, it'll eventually backfire so spectacularly that it'll teach you a valuable life lesson.

Darwin: Which is...?

Julius: I should... bully even more people to learn extra life lessons!

Darwin: What? No! The lesson is— [Notices Julius wearing the same "cheeky" expression, then wears said expression] Oh, you made a joke!

[Both laugh]

Julius: Look, man, I'm sorry. You're no sucker. And you're right; the world needs more buddies, not more bullies.

Darwin: [Spreads his arms] Want to hug it out?

Julius: As long as there's no kissing.

[Both hug]

Julius: Oh, but wait, what about my parents? Are they still mad at me?

Darwin: Not after they get the cake you sent them.

Julius: What?

[Cut to Leonard Daniels delivering Julius' parents a large cake with "SORRY" written on it. Julius' parents react with joy]

Darwin: Mm-hmm. The one with "SORRY" spelled out in sparklers?

Julius: Ah. Thanks... buddy.

[Darwin and Julius perform their handshake, which concludes with them pounding their butts together; they laugh, as Darwin exits]

Julius: You did good, kid. You did— wait, did you just say a cake with spar—

[In the distance, Julius’s parents explode from the sparklers on the cake]

[Episode ends]

v • e Transcript

Episode 1 The DVD	Episode 2 The Responsible	Episode 3 The Third	Episode 4 The Debt
Episode 5 The End	Episode 6 The Dress	Episode 7 The Quest	Episode 8 The Spoon
Episode 9 The Pressure	Episode 10 The Painting	Episode 11 The Laziest	Episode 12 The Ghost
Episode 13 The Mystery	Episode 14 The Prank	Episode 15 The Gi	Episode 16 The Kiss
Episode 17 The Party	Episode 18 The Refund	Episode 19 The Robot	Episode 20 The Picnic
Episode 21 The Goons	Episode 22 The Secret	Episode 23 The Sock	Episode 24 The Genius
Episode 25 The Poltergeist	Episode 26 The Mustache	Episode 27 The Date	Episode 28 The Club
Episode 29 The Wand	Episode 30 The Ape	Episode 31 The Car	Episode 32 The Curse
Episode 33 The Microwave	Episode 34 The Meddler	Episode 35 The Helmet	Episode 36 The Fight

Episode 1 The Remote	Episode 2 The Colossus	Episode 3 The Knights	Episode 4 The Fridge
Episode 5 The Flower	Episode 6 The Banana	Episode 7 The Phone	Episode 8 The Job
Episode 9 Halloween	Episode 10 The Treasure	Episode 11 The Apology	Episode 12 The Words
Episode 13 The Skull	Episode 14 The Bet	Episode 15 Christmas	Episode 16 The Watch
Episode 17 The Bumpkin	Episode 18 The Flakers	Episode 19 The Authority	Episode 20 The Virus
Episode 21 The Pony	Episode 22 The Hero	Episode 23 The Dream	Episode 24 The Sidekick
Episode 25 The Photo	Episode 26 The Tag	Episode 27 The Storm	Episode 28 The Lesson
Episode 29 The Game	Episode 30 The Limit	Episode 31 The Voice	Episode 32 The Promise
Episode 33 The Castle	Episode 34 The Boombox	Episode 35 The Tape	Episode 36 The Sweaters
Episode 37 The Internet	Episode 38 The Plan	Episode 39 The World	Episode 40 The Finale

Episode 1 The Kids	Episode 2 The Fan	Episode 3 The Coach	Episode 4 The Joy
Episode 5 The Puppy	Episode 6 The Recipe	Episode 7 The Name	Episode 8 The Extras
Episode 9 The Gripes	Episode 10 The Vacation	Episode 11 The Fraud	Episode 12 The Void
Episode 13 The Boss	Episode 14 The Move	Episode 15 The Law	Episode 16 The Allergy
Episode 17 The Mothers	Episode 18 The Password	Episode 19 The Procrastinators	Episode 20 The Shell
Episode 21 The Burden	Episode 22 The Bros	Episode 23 The Mirror	Episode 24 The Man
Episode 25 The Pizza	Episode 26 The Lie	Episode 27 The Butterfly	Episode 28 The Question
Episode 29 The Saint	Episode 30 The Friend	Episode 31 The Oracle	Episode 32 The Safety
Episode 33 The Society	Episode 34 The Spoiler	Episode 35 The Countdown	Episode 36 The Nobody
Episode 37 The Downer	Episode 38 The Egg	Episode 39 The Triangle	Episode 40 The Money

Episode 1 The Return	Episode 2 The Nemesis	Episode 3 The Crew	Episode 4 The Others
Episode 5 The Signature	Episode 6 The Check	Episode 7 The Pest	Episode 8 The Sale
Episode 9 The Gift	Episode 10 The Parking	Episode 11 The Routine	Episode 12 The Upgrade
Episode 13 The Comic	Episode 14 The Romantic	Episode 15 The Uploads	Episode 16 The Apprentice
Episode 17 The Hug	Episode 18 The Wicked	Episode 19 The Traitor	Episode 20 The Origins
Episode 21 The Origins: Part Two	Episode 22 The Girlfriend	Episode 23 The Advice	Episode 24 The Signal
Episode 25 The Parasite	Episode 26 The Love	Episode 27 The Awkwardness	Episode 28 The Nest
Episode 29 The Points	Episode 30 The Bus	Episode 31 The Night	Episode 32 The Misunderstandings
Episode 33 The Roots	Episode 34 The Blame	Episode 35 The Slap	Episode 36 The Detective
Episode 37 The Fury	Episode 38 The Compilation	Episode 39 The Scam	Episode 40 The Disaster

Episode 1 The Rerun	Episode 2 The Stories	Episode 3 The Guy	Episode 4 The Boredom
Episode 5 The Vision	Episode 6 The Choices	Episode 7 The Code	Episode 8 The Test
Episode 9 The Slide	Episode 10 The Loophole	Episode 11 The Fuss	Episode 12 The Copycats
Episode 13 The Potato	Episode 14 The Outside	Episode 15 The Vase	Episode 16 The Matchmaker
Episode 17 The Box	Episode 18 The Console	Episode 19 The Ollie	Episode 20 The Catfish
Episode 21 The Cycle	Episode 22 The Stars	Episode 23 The Grades	Episode 24 The Diet
Episode 25 The Ex	Episode 26 The Sorcerer	Episode 27 The Menu	Episode 28 The Uncle
Episode 29 The Weirdo	Episode 30 The Heist	Episode 31 The Singing	Episode 32 The Best
Episode 33 The Worst	Episode 34 The Deal	Episode 35 The Petals	Episode 36 The Nuisance
Episode 37 The Line	Episode 38 The List	Episode 39 The News	Episode 40 The Puppets

Episode 1 The Rival	Episode 2 The Lady	Episode 3 The Sucker	Episode 4 The Vegging
Episode 5 The One	Episode 6 The Father	Episode 7 The Cringe	Episode 8 The Cage
Episode 9 The Neighbor	Episode 10 The Anybody	Episode 11 The Faith	Episode 12 The Candidate
Episode 13 The Pact	Episode 14 The Shippening	Episode 15 The Brain	Episode 16 The Parents
Episode 17 The Founder	Episode 18 The Schooling	Episode 19 The Intelligence	Episode 20 The Potion
Episode 21 The Spinoffs	Episode 22 The Transformation	Episode 23 The Understanding	Episode 24 The Ad
Episode 25 The Ghouls	Episode 26 The Stink	Episode 27 The Awareness	Episode 28 The Slip
Episode 29 The Drama	Episode 30 The Buddy	Episode 31 The Possession	Episode 32 The Master
Episode 33 The Silence	Episode 34 The Future	Episode 35 The Wish	Episode 36 The Factory
Episode 37 The Agent	Episode 38 The Web	Episode 39 The Mess	Episode 40 The Heart
Episode 41 The Revolt	Episode 42 The Decisions	Episode 43 The BFFS	Episode 44 The Inquisition