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The Elusive Package
[Episode starts with Richard in the bathtub, playing with two rubber ducks. One of them has a beard made of soap bubbles.]
Richard: [as first duck] Did you bring the money? [as second duck] Ten million dollars, it's all in the sponge! [as first duck] Good! [He pushes a toy sailboat towards the ducks.] FREEZE! This is the U.S. Government! You're under arrest for bath time crimes! [as first duck] WHAT?! You double-crossed me, Professor? [as second duck] I'm not the Professor! [Washes off the duck's bubble beard] [as first duck] The beard was fake?! It's like Budapest all over again!! [The doorbell rings.] Can someone get that?.....Anyone?.....Uggghh!!
[He steps outside, with a towel on his head, wrapped in toilet paper, and wearing a bath mat cape with a toilet brush tied on. He notices a slip of paper on the doormat and reads it.]
Richard: "Sorry we missed you." Darn it! That was the final piece of my subscription jigsaw! I still have no idea what it's gonna be! [Flashback to the jigsaw; it's a simple four-piece puzzle of an apple. Richard goes inside, where Gumball and Darwin are lazing around.] Why didn't you guys answer the door?!
Gumball: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot we were your personal butlers.
Darwin: [fake British accent] How would His Lordship like his eggs?
Richard: In a bucket. Smothered with more eggs--Wait a minute! Don't distract me! [A car unparking is heard outside.] The delivery guy's still out there! [He dashes to the window.] He's walking towards his truck! He's reached his truck! He's opening one of the back doors of his truck! He's putting my package into the back of his truck! He's adjusting his pants! He's STILL adjusting his-
Gumball and Darwin: JUST GET OUT THERE AND TALK TO HIM!!!
[Outside, Mr. Gruber the delivery man whistles as he scans Richard's package.]
Richard: I caught you! I can take my package now!
Mr. Gruber: I'm sorry?
Richard: Ha! You're confused. From my fancy clothes, you must think that I'm some sort of wealthy lord, but I am actually Richard Watterson, and that package is for me. So, I'll take it.
[Mr. Gruber starts laughing uncontrollably. Richard gives a confused laugh, but when he is done, Mr. Gruber is still laughing.]
Mr. Gruber: No. The package has been entered into the system as undelivered. It will be returned to the depot as for subsection 37B of company procedure.
Richard: But I can see it! Can't you just give it to me!
Mr. Gruber: [mock excitement] Yah! Sure! I'll just give it to you! [He holds out the package to Richard, but quickly swipes it away.] If rules and regulations mean nothing to you.
Richard: So I can have it?
Mr. Gruber: Do you know where we'd be without rules and regulations?
Richard: Right here, but I'd have my package?
Mr. Gruber: Life would be like a giant cage fight. Without the cage. [He puts the package into the back of his truck and closes it.Richard runs to the front of the truck as he is leaving.]
Mr. Gruber: You missed the delivery, you will pick it up at the depot or pay for a redelivery, the choice is yours. Good day, sir! [He speeds off. Richard goes back inside.]
Richard: Ah, there's no way I'm going to the depot! And I don't wanna pay ten bucks for a redelivery.
Gumball: Well, just lie! Then they'll have to redeliver for free.
Richard: Great idea! [Picks up phone and dials] I'll tell them I'm a ghost who couldn't open the front door because I don't have a physical body and that they shouldn't discriminate against me because of my spirit status!
Gumball: Or just say the delivery guy didn't ring the doorbell.
Richard: Eh, I like mine better. But okay.
[Richard is staring at his unfinished jigsaw.]
Richard: Come on, Richard! What could it possibly be? [He tries to imagine the possibilities: a pizza, a foot, a chimney, an eyeball. The doorbell rings, interrupting his thoughts. Gumball and Darwin open the door.]
Gumball: Uh, Dad!
[He comes over. On the doormat, scraps of paper from the delivery slip spell "YOU LIED!"]
Richard: "You lied"?
Gumball: You know who did this, right?
Richard: [sinister] Darwin!
Gumball: No, the delivery guy!
[Sure enough, Mr. Gruber is on the sidewalk, glaring at Richard.]
Richard: Oh, yeah.
Mr. Gruber: HOW DARE YOU LIE AND SAY I DIDN'T RING THE DOORBELL?!! You have dragged my spotless reputation through the DIRT!! What was once perfect and pure has been ruined. [Dramatic zoom in on his face.] Like a white dove wearing hoop earrings.
Gumball: Listen, dude. All he wants is his package.
Mr. Gruber: Company policy allows only three deliveries per item. You missed the first delivery, therefore you have two remaining. Miss them and you will have to drag your LAZY LYING BUTT TO THE DEPOT!!!
Richard: You monster!! Do you know how long the lines are at the depot?! There's not enough of my life left!!
Mr. Gruber: [mock sympathy] Ooh, what's the matter? No need to....cry about it! [He flutters his hands in a strange manner.] Oo-hoo-hoo! Oo-hoo-hoo! Oo-hoo-hoo!
Gumball: Uh- I think he means this. [Moves his hands in a crying fashion]
Mr. Gruber: Sorry, can't do mime. Love it, can't do it. Anyways, the game is ON!! [Gets into his truck and speeds away.]
Richard: There's no way I'm missing that delivery again! Nothing's gonna distract me! I'm gonna stand right here until that guy comes back!
Gumball and Darwin: Yeah, whatever. [They walk inside, and right as they do, Richard is on the couch.]
Gumball: What the--Dad!
Richard: Yeah, standing out was hurting my legs and I can't see the TV from out there.
Darwin: But you can't see the delivery guy from in here!
Richard: Yeah, I can. I'll see him in the reflection on the corner of the TV! And nothing's gonna distract me! [An ice cream truck is heard outside.] Ahh! Ice cream!! [He looks through the window. The truck says "FREE Ice Cream" on it. Mr. Gruber, inside the truck, chuckles evilly.] No, no, no. Stay strong. [notices the "FREE"] Free ice cream! Doh! Come on Richard, you can do this! [Mr. Gruber writes "For Richard Watterson" under the top message.] Free ice cream for Richard Watterson?! NO! I will not under any circumstances let this distract me! [It is revealed that he is attached to the window, now broken off the wall, and he is in front of the ice cream truck.] Can I have chocolate sprinkles?
Mr. Gruber: But of course, Mr. Watterson. [Hands him his ice cream]
Richard: [throws away the window and reaches for his ice cream] Wait. I know that voice!
Mr. Gruber: No you don't!
Richard: No I don't?
Mr. Gruber: Come and get it! [drives forward a little] A little bit further. A little bit further. [He keeps repeating this and driving forward, and Richard can't keep up. Gumball and Darwin watch from where the window was.]
Gumball: We better go get him.
[Mr. Gruber and Richard have gone all the way out to the desert, Richard is dried out but still reaching for his ice cream.]
Mr. Gruber: A little bit further! A little bit further! [He stops] There! I think that's far enough. So here is your ice cream, [shows himself] MR. WATTERSON!!
Richard: YOU!! But how?!
Mr. Gruber: Ha ha ha ha!!! Did I not mention that my brother Hans has an ice cream truck?! He let me borrow it, since he is in the hospital with appendicitis. Ah-hahahaha! Just to clarify, I am laughing because of my plan, not because my brother is in the hospital. Anyway, packages to deliver!! [He speeds off.]
[Richard's phone buzzes in his pocket.]
Richard: Hello? [Accidentally smashes his ice cream cone up to his ear.] Awwww! [Grabs his real phone. He has a message: it's a video of Mr. Gruber leaving the package at his door and ringing the doorbell. He waits for all of three seconds.]
Mr. Gruber: Oh! Nobody home. That's one delivery left, Mr. Watterson! But don't give up! Unless you're.... chicken!! [He makes chicken noises while imitating an elephant. Richard crushes his cone in anger, opens up his hand, and inside is another missed delivery slip. He faints, and Gumball and Darwin find him.]
Gumball: [looks at video] Yeah, that's an elephant.
Mr. Gruber's Dirty Tricks
[Back at home. Richard is spying through the mail slot.]
Darwin: Aw, c'mon, Mr. Dad! You've been there for four hours!
Richard: He tricked me outta that last delivery, and now there's only one left! There's no way he'll get me again! [The phone rings] I'll get it! [He picks it up]
Mr. Gruber: Hello, honey. This is me, your wife.
Richard: You don't sound like my wife Nicole. If you're my wife Nicole, answer me this: What's your name?
Mr. Gruber: Mmm....Nicole?
Richard: Hmm. Seems watertight. So what's up, honey?
Mr. Gruber: I'm in the hospital! Come quick! My heart has......fallen off!!
Richard: Quick, into the car! No time to explain!
[As Mr. Gruber laughs on the phone, Richard, Gumball and Darwin drive to the hospital and Richard speaks to the doctor with no dialogue, only to find that in ‘Nicole’s room, there are missed delivery slips in the shape of Nicole on the bed]
Doctor: Please, keep it down! There are other people trying to pull off cool and elaborate pranks as well! [Slams the door]
[A brick with a note on it flies onto the bed. Richard unties the note; it's a photo of Mr. Gruber leaving the package at their doorstep a third time.]
Richard: AAHH! He's done it again!
[Mr. Gruber's voice comes on from a walkie-talkie nestled in a bouquet of flowers by the bed.]
Mr. Gruber: Ah, Mr. Watterson.
Richard: AAHH! How do those flowers know my name?!
Mr. Gruber: It appears you've missed your final delivery. But I'm willing to give you a last chance. Your package will be at a collection point, but where, I hear you ask? [Silence.] ASK THIS IN!
Gumball, Oh, I thought that was rhetorical.
Gumball, Darwin, and Richard: Where?
Mr. Gruber: [It is shown he is calling them from a collection point at the mall] Where can I go shopping in the rain, but I don't get wet?
Mr. Gruber: Oh yeah, I guess online works too. Well, your package will be at the Elmore Mall, where it will remain for the next four minutes precisely. Tick-tock, Watterson. [Gumball, Darwin, and Richard gasp and take off, while Mr. Gruber laughs on the walkie-talkie.] Hahahahahaha!! I'm not really a bunch of flowers.
The Lazy Man's Vengeance
[Gumball, Darwin, and Richard are at the hospital entrance, where they see their car being towed away.]
Richard: Oh no! He clamped the car!
Gumball: Yeah, I don't think that was him. [Points to a sign reading: No Parking, Ambulances Only]
Richard: Well, I guess we'll have to get there on foot! And we've only got three minutes! [Dramatic zoom in on his face] WE CAN DO THIS!
[The three finally made it to the collection point at the mall, panting]
Richard: We made it! And only 38 minutes late!
[Darwin opens the package door, but there is no package]
Darwin: [gasps] It's empty!
Richard: NO! [his phone buzzes; it's another message from Mr. Gruber]
Mr. Gruber: You're late, Watterson. But I'll give you one more chance to get your package. You can find it in the building that houses all the old fossils that no one ever goes to visit.
Richard: The retirement home!
Mr. Gruber: Uh, yeah, that works too, but the package will be at the museum for the next five minutes!
Richard: Let's go! [He starts to run, but Gumball pulls him back]
Gumball: Dad, no! No! Why are you letting him mess with you like this?
Richard: Because honest, hardworking, by-the-book, set-the-alarm guys like him always win! I'm doing this for the slobs everywhere, for the guy who orders the wrong thing online but is then too lazy to return it!
[As he speaks, his words catch the attention of many mall patrons.]
Pantsbully: Hey! I'm that guy!
Richard: For the guy who pays two cell phone bills per year because he can't be bothered to cancel one of them!
Melted Cheese Guy: Hah! I'm payin' for eight!
Richard: And for the guy who can't even be bothered to finish his sentence!
Teapot: Hey, I'm totally uuuuhhhhh.....
Richard: He thinks he can take advantage of our laziness, but today, THE LAZY MAN LIFTS A FINGER!!! WHO'S WITH ME??!!
[A collective mumble from the public. Richard sighs.]
Darwin: We're with you, Mr. Dad! Let's go get that package! [He grabs Richard's arm and the three take off.]
The Great Package Chase
[The three are running across town. Mr. Gruber's voice comes on Richard's phone.]
Mr. Gruber: Elmore Museum! Four minutes!
[Richard opens the collection point on top of a dinosaur skeleton; no package. The skeleton breaks.]
Mr. Gruber: The toxic waste disposal site! Three minutes!
[The collection point is floating in glowing sewage. They open it; no package, and the collection point sinks.]
Mr. Gruber: The stadium end zone! Five minutes!
[In the middle of the football field, Richard opens the collection point and there is a football inside. He promptly gets tackled by the players.]
Mr. Gruber: The Elmore Runway! Six minutes!
[The collection point is on a plane that is taking off. Richard reaches for it, but falls off the plane.]
Mr. Gruber: The tanning salon! [Richard opens the tanning bed on Principal Brown, completely shaved and reading a book. Richard screams.] The sewers! [Darwin reaches for a collection point in the sewer water, but an alligator comes out and chases him.] The kitten orphanage! [Gumball opens a package door, covered in angry kittens. They keep quickly opening doors as Mr. Gruber keeps naming places.] Precious Late and Ten Emporium! Fabio's Downtown Duvet Bunker! The stage of the Dad Wake Up Awards!
[Richard wakes up on the stage. The Shooting Star hands him a trophy.]
Gumball and Darwin: Dad! Wake up!
Richard: AAAHHH! I fell asleep at the DWA's! How embarrassing....
Gumball and Darwin: DAD! WAKE UP!!
[This one is revealed to be a dream. They are by a collection point under a bridge. A public phone rings and he answers.]
Mr. Gruber: Ready to give up? You'll never find me, and you'll never get your package. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Richard: That's nuts. [Hangs up]
Gumball: Aw, I'm sorry, Dad. I guess he's won.
Darwin: What's he doing?
Gumball: I think he's deflating!
Richard: Did you hear it? The frying sound? It's peanut oil! At 180.47 degrees. [Images float around him like a computer screen as he thinks out loud.] There are only three restaurants that use that kind of oil: Joyful Burger, but they switched to lard substitute because it was cheaper! Sloppy John's Filthy Burgers, but they were shut down because of that whole rat burger incident! That only leaves that diner next to the pet cemetery, but they shut that down seemingly for no reason! This doesn't make any sense! Wait-unless it isn't a restaurant, it's a food truck! Diagnosis Burger! On the interstate! But I'll never get there in time!
Gumball: You will, Dad! You just need to trust your inner slob!
[At Diagnosis Burger, the Cowboy flips burgers while Mr. Gruber laughs on the phone]
Mr. Gruber: Hahahahahaha! That's weird, he hung up after he said "That's nuts."
Cowboy: Yeah! Peanut oil! I've cooked with it for years!
Mr. Gruber: Watterson couldn't know just from the sound!
Cowboy: Did you say Watterson? That guy's my best customer! He even comes on vacation with me!
Mr. Gruber: Well, if he comes by here, keep it zipped! Understand? Zipped! Ah, what am I even worrying about? He'll never find me! He's too lazy. [An airplane zooms by. Mr. Gruber looks up.] No! That's not possible!
[Richard, covered in stamps, is about to drop from the plane.]
Richard: Deliver me. [Gary and Jeff push him off. Mr. Gruber tries to start his truck, but it won't start.]
Mr. Gruber: Come on! Come on! [The truck starts] Yah! [He starts driving, but Richard falls straight into the back of the truck and his parachute deploys. Richard comes out the back, holding his package high.]
Richard: My package!!
Mr. Gruber: [snatches package] NEIN!! That package is property of the U.S. Mail and it's going back to the depot WHERE IT BELONGS!! [Closes the back of the truck, then quickly reopens it] Sorry, I realized you're still in my truck. Get out. [He gets back in.] I WIN, YOU LOSE, GOOD DAY SIR!!! [He speeds off.]
A Win for the Slobs
[Mr. Gruber laughs as he drives off. "Ode to Joy" plays and a montage starts of him laughing as he puts a package on the conveyor belt, has a fancy dinner, sleeps, gets dressed, has breakfast, brushes his teeth, punches in at the post office, puts a package into his truck, and delivers it to the Watterson house. Richard answers, smirking.]
Mr. Gruber: HUH?! But...your package is still at the depot!
Richard: Yeah, I just ordered the exact same thing. Seemed like less effort.
Mr. Gruber: What? Rather than going to collect your package, you bought the same thing all over again?! How could you get any lazier?!
Richard: I'll tell you how. My son thought of the idea because I couldn't be bothered.
Mr. Gruber: That doesn't mean you've won!
Richard: Actually, it does. [smugly] Good day, sir. [slams door]
Mr. Gruber: NOOOOOOO!!!!! [He drops to his knees and mimes pulling a rope. Episode ends.]