Elmore News
- [The episode starts with Gumball and Darwin as they sit on their couch, flicking through the channels for entertainment]
- Announcer: Thumb Wrestling Federatio—!
- Gumball and Darwin: Seen it.
- Announcer: Señor Tony—
- Gumball and Darwin: Seen it.
- Announcer: You asked for it—
- Gumball and Darwin: Seen it.
- Voice: [Inaudible]
- Gumball and Darwin: Hate it.
- Narrator: All good things—
- Gumball and Darwin: Seen it.
- [Music plays]
- Gumball and Darwin: Seen it.
- Announcer: And now with all the latest developments live, it's Elmore News!
- Gumball and Darwin: Eh.
- [A very prolonged intro of Elmore News plays, with the following sequence of texts: "NEWS," "CHANNEL," "6," "ELMORE NEWS," "ELMORE," "6 LIVE," "6 NEWS," "NEWS CHANNEL 6," "NEWS," "ELMORE," "CHANNEL 6 ELMORE NEWS." The intro is revealed to be so excessively long that after the theme music is heard, a loop of the same section of the music plays several times. After the intro, the scene transitions to Kip Schlezinger—now a man made of newspaper—being brushed with makeup by another person; he sweeps it away and focuses on the camera]
- Kip Schlezinger: Good evening. I'm Kip Schlezinger, and this is Elmore News. Dramatic events today in downtown Elmore as police sent their finest officers to tackle a robbery which took place in broad daylight. Further proof that our town is no longer safe for anyone, [As he continues speaking, the camera zooms in closer and closer to Kip's face] anytime, any day, anywhere, in any way. [Looks to his right, then back to the camera] Anywho, our reporters are on the scene to keep up to date with the latest developments. Mike.
Joyful Burger Robbery
- Mike: [Appearing on-screen] Yes, Kip. Elmore police received an anonymous call at around one p.m. reporting a robbery here at Joyful Burger. The police responded with a low-key operation, handling the situation with sensitivity and minimal force.
- [Ironically, Joyful Burger is surrounded with police cars, officers, and helicopters]
- Mike: The suspects have not yet been identified, but, uh...
- [The police officers suddenly run to their cars]
- Mike: One moment, Kip. There seems to be a development.
- [The police travel around the block, in which Joyful Burger is located in, and go to the drive-through]
- Kip Schlezinger: Mike, can you give us any more information on what's happening there?
- Mike: Uh, it's not entirely clear, but they appear to be conducting interviews.
- Donut Cop: [To Larry] Can we get two milkshakes, two Cronuts, two family buckets...
- Mike: Uh, uh, over to you, Kip.
- Donut Cop: ...two triple burgers with bacon...
House Fire!
- [The scene transitions back to Kip]
- Kip Schlezinger: Kip Shledebergerzinger here. In other developments, a house fire has broken out in an Elmore suburb. We go live now to the scene of the blaze.
- [Scene transitions to Mike, running in to report the scene of the fire. In the background, the Wattersons' house is in flames]
- Mike: [Panting] The fire started this morning. Firefighters have been at the scene for over an hour and are still struggling to control the blaze.
- Voice: [Off-screen] Send in the marshmallows!
- Marshmallow: [Melting] Oh no!
- Marshmallow: It's okay, keep going. [Melting] Ohh, no!
- Marshmallow: Don't give up— [Melting] Aah!
- Mike: These children escaped the blaze. [Interviewing Gumball] Tell us, how did the fire start?
- Gumball: [In shock] I saw a spider.
- Mike: Fair enough. Kip, back to you.
More About the Joyful Burger Robbery
- [Scene switches back to Kip, who is attempting to shoo away a fly]
- Kip Schlezinger: Kip Sherlezingabinger here, and we have some new developments on the Joyful Burger robbery. [Swats the fly as it lands on his desk] Over to our eye in the sky.
- [Mike, with a ladder leading up to a helicopter, is still on the house fire scene and reluctantly climbs up, entering the helicopter]
- Mike: [Pants] It appears the police are still in pursuit of the suspects.
- [Doughnut Sheriff is shown racing through the streets]
- Mike: With Elmore's finest hot on their heels, we expect they'll soon be brought to justice.
- [Doughnut Sheriff struggles to reach for his coffee, loses control of his car, and hits a bus. He then gets out of his car and decides to run]
- Mike: As you can see below, the police are continuing their hunt, despite some members of the public obstructing their path.
- [Scene switches back to Kip]
- Kip Schlezinger: Thanks, Mike. And, uh, what is happening down on the ground?
- [Scene switches back to the ground; Mike screams as he falls from the helicopter. Doughnut Sheriff runs past, still chasing the supposed victim]
- Mike: Well, Kip, the chase continues on foot.
- [Doughnut Sheriff falls to his knees]
- Mike: And knees.
- [Doughnut Sheriff rests on his hands]
- Mike: And hands.
Interview with Al Paca
- [Scene transitions back to Kip]
- Kip Schlezinger: Kip Shwaaaalalalalaburger here. More on that police chase later. But now to our overseas correspondent Al Paca, reporting from the G-8 summit. Al, what important issues were raised today at the summit?
- [Al Paca, evidently a human, bleats]
- Kip Schlezinger: Uh-huh? And what did the president have to say on the issue?
- [Al Paca bleats]
- Kip Schlezinger: Hmm. And what are the global implications of that?
- [Al Paca bleats]
- Kip Schlezinger: Thanks, Al.
- [Al Paca bleats]
- Kip Schlezinger: And now we go live to Hale County, Texas, where a farmer has won a prize for Best Livestock at the county fair.
- [Al Paca is revealed to be a man owned by the farmer]
- Farmer: I, uh, think you boys might have got a couple things mixed up here.
Even More About the Joyful Burger Robbery
- [Scene transitions back to Kip]
- Kip Schlezinger: I'm sorry. We're gonna have to leave that story there. We have some shocking new developments in the Joyful Burger robbery. Mike.
- [Scene switches to Mike, who returns to Joyful Burger and catches his breath]
- Mike: Yes, Kip. The police have called off the search after realizing the individual who reported the theft was an unusually rotund pink rabbit [Shows Richard, who is standing in the distance] who dropped a french fry, which was carried away by some ants. Here's an artist's impression of the incident.
- [A drawing of some ants carrying a french fry is shown on the screen]
- Mike: Kip, back to you.
The Big Question
- Kip Schlezinger: [Being brushed with makeup] Thanks, Mike. [Sweeps away makeup artist] Now it is time for... the Big Question!
- [An introductory clip plays]
- Kip Schlezinger: And today we're joined by the dean of Elmore University's science faculty. Professor, thanks for joining us. Now, after vaccinations, electric cars, and the dark magic behind Wi-Fi, I guess the big question is: should we be scared of science?
- Professor: No.
- Kip Schlezinger: More questions than answers there. The debate rages on. Be sure to tune in this time tomorrow for our next big question— Oxygen: Friend or Foe? In other news, the town of Elmore is about to be hit by a waste disposal strike.
Waste Disposal Strike
- [Scene transitions to Mike, as he is interviewing the toilets]
- Toilet: I just— I think we've all had enough, you know? But we can't complain about it because our voices are completely drowned out.
- Toilet: The job can be suffocating, yeah. I've—I've seen a lot. [Sniffs] I've seen a whole lot.
- Toilet: I've been working on the executive floor for twenty years, and all I got for Secret Santa was food poisoning.
- Toilet: Yeah, the way we've been treated leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
- Toilet: [Mumbling] I've been promised a dental plan for over a decade.
- Mike: The toilet seats of Elmore are expected to hold a protest march here in front of the Town Hall within the next few minutes. I've just been informed that it will now be a sit-in. Kip, back to you.
Daisy the Donkey Meltdown
- Kip Schlezinger: Thanks, Mike. [Accidentally lowers his chair. As he speaks, he raises it back up] Celebrity news now, and the beloved children's entertainer Daisy the Donkey has suffered what can only be described as an on-set meltdown.
- [The "Daisy the Donkey Show" plays]
- Daisy the Donkey: Good morning, little children!
- Children: [Off-screen] Good morning, Daisy!
- Daisy the Donkey: [Laughs] Welcome to "Daisy the Donkey Show"!
- [Children cheer]
- Daisy the Donkey: Today I've got a special surpr—
- Sally the Snake: Hi, kids-s-s-s!
- Daisy the Donkey: [Sighs] I can't believe this. Did you read the script? You're supposed to come in after my line!
- Sally the Snake: Sorry, man. I was just improvising. You know, winging it. So kids, is everybody s—
- Daisy the Donkey: Okay, okay, okay, okay! First off, you don't call me "man." You call me Miss Daisy. And secondly, you stick to the darn script!
- Sally the Snake: Dude, we're live.
- Daisy the Donkey: I don't care if we're live! You're an amateur surfing on my wave! And right now, you're ruining my show! [Pushes Sally]
- Sally the Snake: Hey. Did you just push me?
- Daisy the Donkey: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Sally the Snake: 'Cause I'll push you right back!
- [The two wrestle each other with their mouths; their quarrel causes the puppeteer to fall, leaving the crew to have unexpected problems]
- Sally the Snake: Ow! My eyes-s-s-s!
- Man: Okay, go to commercial. Go to commercial! Okay, go to card! Now, please, now!
- [A card of a face wearing a "dead" expression is shown; the show ends. As Kip explains the aftermath, footage is shown of the puppeteer using Daisy to pick up trash in a park]
- Kip Schlezinger: Miss Donkey, whose real name is Antoine Perez, has been sentenced to two weeks community service. And now we have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that stock markets have fallen, but the good news is that these graphs will tell you all about it in a form of a song.
"Just Give Up and Cry"
- Graphs: Oh, things are bad, bad, bad
- About to get sad
- Don't be glad, glad, glad
- We should be mad
- We're going down, down, down
- We're all gonna drown
- We'll all be poor, poor, poor
- But wait, here's some more
- We're all in debt, debt, debt
- And you can bet
- It will get worse, worse, worse
- Yes, we're all cursed
- We are all broke, broke, broke
- And it's such a joke
- 'Cause there's no hope, hope, hope
- And no one can cope
- We are all doomed, doomed, doomed
- Nothing's improved
- Don't even try
- Just give up and cryyyyyyyyy
- [All of the graphs collapse into a pile which spontaneously combusts]
Nothing
- [Scene transitions to Kip]
- Kip Schlezinger: Coming up next, we have nothing. We didn't have enough news to cover the whole show tonight, so I'm going to say absolutely nothing in the cadence of a news story, and I hope I'll get away with it. As I said a moment ago, this is all filler. Let's go live now to our reporter at the scene and hope that he comes up with something better. Mike.
- [Scene transitions to Mike]
- Mike: [Walking up to the camera] Unfortunately, Kip, as you said a moment ago, absolutely nothing is happening here. It seems that, for now, there is no news at all. Therefore, I'll kill time by asking the general public what they think about it. [Interviewing with Gary] Sir, what do you think about it?
- Gary: What do I think of what? You— You haven't asked me anything.
- Mike: [Interviewing Banana Joe] And you, sir, any thoughts?
- [Banana Joe says nothing; Mike then interviews the street]
- Mike: I was really hoping that would take longer, but since it didn't, we will keep on wasting your precious time on Earth by re-explaining nothing over some random footage of the general public walking.
- [Said footage of Elmore residents walking is then shown while Mike narrates]
- Mike: No one really listens to this part of the news anyway, so we should be okay. News, news, news, news. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Filler, filler, filler, filler. Which leads us to the most important question: what was the point of all that?
- [The camera turns to face the sky; scene transitions to Kip]
- Kip Schlezinger: What was the point, indeed. [Picks up a small cup of popcorn] And now over to Barry for the sports news. Barry.
Sports
- Barry: Spo-o-o-o-rts! Sports, sports, sports, sports! Spo-o-o-o-rts! [To tune of "Charge"] Sports, sports, sports, sports. Sports, sports, sports, sports. Spa-ba-ba-ba-ba, spo-o-o-rts! [Blows his horn] Whoo! Sport! Sport! [Slowing down] Sport. Sport. Sports. Sports.
- Kip Schlezinger: Um, thank you, Barry.
- Barry: Spo-o-o-o-r—
- [Scene transitions to Kip]
Weather
- Kip Schlezinger: And now for the weather.
- [The weather intro plays. Phil the weatherman appears. He is entirely green except for minor features such as his tie and hair]
- Phil: Thank you, Kip. [Walks in front of a green screen, making him "disappear"] As you can see, the weather today was wonderful. [Screen shows him overlapping a shirtless man] The sun was shining, perfect conditions to take a walk, [Appears on a bald scalp] and catch some rays. [Kip struggles to control his laughter] I'm sorry, Kip, is something funny?
- Kip Schlezinger: Uh, no, uh, please continue.
- [Phil's face is in front of a fire hydrant, shooting out water]
- Phil: Moving on to tonight and we'll see— [Notices Kip, gargling in his mockery] Agh, are you making fun of me?
- [Phil appears in front of a hanging dog's buttocks]
- Kip Schlezinger: Of course not. I wouldn't want to make you feel like the butt of the joke. [Laughs hysterically; gets hit by a cloud-and-sun sign] Well, I, uh, guess it'll be overcast tomorrow. My name is Kip Sherlabulabudalagaberwagalaladingdong, and that was the eight o'clock news. Good night.
- [The music which terminates the program plays, as Kip is organizing his papers. The makeup artist persists to put makeup on his face, making Kip struggle to hinder its action]
- Kip Schlezinger: Ah, what are you doing? Just- leave it already! Ah, just— What is wrong with you?!
- [The news program ends, and therefore the episode ends]
v • e Transcript
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| Episode 1 The DVD |
Episode 2 The Responsible |
Episode 3 The Third |
Episode 4 The Debt |
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| Episode 5 The End |
Episode 6 The Dress |
Episode 7 The Quest |
Episode 8 The Spoon |
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| Episode 9 The Pressure |
Episode 10 The Painting |
Episode 11 The Laziest |
Episode 12 The Ghost |
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| Episode 13 The Mystery |
Episode 14 The Prank |
Episode 15 The Gi |
Episode 16 The Kiss |
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| Episode 17 The Party |
Episode 18 The Refund |
Episode 19 The Robot |
Episode 20 The Picnic |
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| Episode 21 The Goons |
Episode 22 The Secret |
Episode 23 The Sock |
Episode 24 The Genius |
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| Episode 25 The Poltergeist |
Episode 26 The Mustache |
Episode 27 The Date |
Episode 28 The Club |
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| Episode 29 The Wand |
Episode 30 The Ape |
Episode 31 The Car |
Episode 32 The Curse |
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| Episode 33 The Microwave |
Episode 34 The Meddler |
Episode 35 The Helmet |
Episode 36 The Fight |
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| Episode 1 The Remote |
Episode 2 The Colossus |
Episode 3 The Knights |
Episode 4 The Fridge |
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| Episode 5 The Flower |
Episode 6 The Banana |
Episode 7 The Phone |
Episode 8 The Job |
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| Episode 9 Halloween |
Episode 10 The Treasure |
Episode 11 The Apology |
Episode 12 The Words |
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| Episode 13 The Skull |
Episode 14 The Bet |
Episode 15 Christmas |
Episode 16 The Watch |
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| Episode 17 The Bumpkin |
Episode 18 The Flakers |
Episode 19 The Authority |
Episode 20 The Virus |
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| Episode 21 The Pony |
Episode 22 The Hero |
Episode 23 The Dream |
Episode 24 The Sidekick |
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| Episode 25 The Photo |
Episode 26 The Tag |
Episode 27 The Storm |
Episode 28 The Lesson |
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| Episode 29 The Game |
Episode 30 The Limit |
Episode 31 The Voice |
Episode 32 The Promise |
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| Episode 33 The Castle |
Episode 34 The Boombox |
Episode 35 The Tape |
Episode 36 The Sweaters |
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| Episode 37 The Internet |
Episode 38 The Plan |
Episode 39 The World |
Episode 40 The Finale |
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| Episode 1 The Kids |
Episode 2 The Fan |
Episode 3 The Coach |
Episode 4 The Joy |
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| Episode 5 The Puppy |
Episode 6 The Recipe |
Episode 7 The Name |
Episode 8 The Extras |
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| Episode 9 The Gripes |
Episode 10 The Vacation |
Episode 11 The Fraud |
Episode 12 The Void |
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| Episode 13 The Boss |
Episode 14 The Move |
Episode 15 The Law |
Episode 16 The Allergy |
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| Episode 17 The Mothers |
Episode 18 The Password |
Episode 19 The Procrastinators |
Episode 20 The Shell |
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| Episode 21 The Burden |
Episode 22 The Bros |
Episode 23 The Mirror |
Episode 24 The Man |
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| Episode 25 The Pizza |
Episode 26 The Lie |
Episode 27 The Butterfly |
Episode 28 The Question |
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| Episode 29 The Saint |
Episode 30 The Friend |
Episode 31 The Oracle |
Episode 32 The Safety |
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| Episode 33 The Society |
Episode 34 The Spoiler |
Episode 35 The Countdown |
Episode 36 The Nobody |
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| Episode 37 The Downer |
Episode 38 The Egg |
Episode 39 The Triangle |
Episode 40 The Money |
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| Episode 1 The Return |
Episode 2 The Nemesis |
Episode 3 The Crew |
Episode 4 The Others |
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| Episode 5 The Signature |
Episode 6 The Check |
Episode 7 The Pest |
Episode 8 The Sale |
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| Episode 9 The Gift |
Episode 10 The Parking |
Episode 11 The Routine |
Episode 12 The Upgrade |
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| Episode 13 The Comic |
Episode 14 The Romantic |
Episode 15 The Uploads |
Episode 16 The Apprentice |
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| Episode 17 The Hug |
Episode 18 The Wicked |
Episode 19 The Traitor |
Episode 20 The Origins |
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| Episode 21 The Origins: Part Two |
Episode 22 The Girlfriend |
Episode 23 The Advice |
Episode 24 The Signal |
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| Episode 25 The Parasite |
Episode 26 The Love |
Episode 27 The Awkwardness |
Episode 28 The Nest |
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| Episode 29 The Points |
Episode 30 The Bus |
Episode 31 The Night |
Episode 32 The Misunderstandings |
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| Episode 33 The Roots |
Episode 34 The Blame |
Episode 35 The Slap |
Episode 36 The Detective |
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| Episode 37 The Fury |
Episode 38 The Compilation |
Episode 39 The Scam |
Episode 40 The Disaster |
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| Episode 1 The Rerun |
Episode 2 The Stories |
Episode 3 The Guy |
Episode 4 The Boredom |
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| Episode 5 The Vision |
Episode 6 The Choices |
Episode 7 The Code |
Episode 8 The Test |
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| Episode 9 The Slide |
Episode 10 The Loophole |
Episode 11 The Fuss |
Episode 12 The Copycats |
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| Episode 13 The Potato |
Episode 14 The Outside |
Episode 15 The Vase |
Episode 16 The Matchmaker |
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| Episode 17 The Box |
Episode 18 The Console |
Episode 19 The Ollie |
Episode 20 The Catfish |
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| Episode 21 The Cycle |
Episode 22 The Stars |
Episode 23 The Grades |
Episode 24 The Diet |
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| Episode 25 The Ex |
Episode 26 The Sorcerer |
Episode 27 The Menu |
Episode 28 The Uncle |
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| Episode 29 The Weirdo |
Episode 30 The Heist |
Episode 31 The Singing |
Episode 32 The Best |
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| Episode 33 The Worst |
Episode 34 The Deal |
Episode 35 The Petals |
Episode 36 The Nuisance |
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| Episode 37 The Line |
Episode 38 The List |
Episode 39 The News |
Episode 40 The Puppets |
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| Episode 1 The Rival |
Episode 2 The Lady |
Episode 3 The Sucker |
Episode 4 The Vegging |
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| Episode 5 The One |
Episode 6 The Father |
Episode 7 The Cringe |
Episode 8 The Cage |
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| Episode 9 The Neighbor |
Episode 10 The Anybody |
Episode 11 The Faith |
Episode 12 The Candidate |
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| Episode 13 The Pact |
Episode 14 The Shippening |
Episode 15 The Brain |
Episode 16 The Parents |
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| Episode 17 The Founder |
Episode 18 The Schooling |
Episode 19 The Intelligence |
Episode 20 The Potion |
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| Episode 21 The Spinoffs |
Episode 22 The Transformation |
Episode 23 The Understanding |
Episode 24 The Ad |
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| Episode 25 The Ghouls |
Episode 26 The Stink |
Episode 27 The Awareness |
Episode 28 The Slip |
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| Episode 29 The Drama |
Episode 30 The Buddy |
Episode 31 The Possession |
Episode 32 The Master |
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| Episode 33 The Silence |
Episode 34 The Future |
Episode 35 The Wish |
Episode 36 The Factory |
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| Episode 37 The Agent |
Episode 38 The Web |
Episode 39 The Mess |
Episode 40 The Heart |
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| Episode 41 The Revolt |
Episode 42 The Decisions |
Episode 43 The BFFS |
Episode 44 The Inquisition |