The Girlfriend/Transcript

Empty Heart

[Jamie bursts into the cafeteria and walks to the front of the lunch line]

Jamie: [To Banana Joe] It's lunchtime. [Banana Joe offers her his money] That is not what I asked for. [Banana Joe sighs and peels his head. Jamie bites it and spits it out. She walks away] Not in the mood for banana.

Banana Joe: [Brainless, drooling] Potato please can have, uhh.

[Leslie and Tobias run and hide. Anton spits out his soda, screams, butters himself, puts cheese on his face, and lies on his tray. Jamie approaches]

Anton: [Muffled] Oh, sorry. You don't like the crusts, do you?

[He cuts the crust off himself, screaming]

Jamie: Not in the mood for sandwich. You eat it.

[She walks away and he eats himself. Alan eats soup]

Alan​​​​: Mmm, perfect. [To Carmen] Try some.

[Jamie pops up and takes Carmen's lunch]

Jamie: Move.

[She begins eating]

Carmen: [Whispering to Alan] My lunch.

Alan​​​​: Here, Carmen, you can have mine.

Jamie: Wait. Are you, sharing with her?

Alan​​​​: Of course. There's no greater happiness than sharing with your sweetheart.

Jamie: I don't get it.

Alan​​​​: Then maybe it's not just your stomach that's empty.

[Jamie grabs Alan and lets the air out of him]

Jamie: Are you saying I've got an empty head?

Alan​​​​: No! I meant your heart! Your heart!

[Jamie throws him on the table]

Jamie: What do you mean, my heart?

[Alan talks, but is muffled so Jamie picks him up]

Alan​​​​: I mean, maybe you'd feel better if you found someone to share things with.

[Jamie goes brain-dead]

Carmen: Well played, you made her think. [Grabs Alan from Jamie and walks away] That buys us some time to escape.

The Realization

[On the bus, Jamie, still brain-dead, gasps]

Carmen: [To Alan] That was way more time than we needed.

Jamie: I need a sweetheart.

[The bus explodes and everyone runs away screaming, except Darwin, whom Jamie slowly turns to... and grins at]

[Cut to the Watterson household. Gumball and Darwin are in their room]

Gumball: Dude, what were you thinking? Why didn't you just run?

Darwin: I thought she said I need to sweat hard, like at the gym or something.

Gumball: Well, why did you say nothing when she asked you out?

Darwin: Because when a gorilla charges you, you stay still and say nothing. I saw it on TV.

Gumball: Dude, she's not a gorilla.

Darwin: What is she, then?

Gumball: [Softly] She's your new girlfriend. [Dramatic sting as the camera closes in on Darwin. Beat] And you get that? "Dun dun dun" is usually not a good sign.

Darwin: It's okay. I'll just ride out the storm and say nothing.

The New Girlfriend

[At school, the bell rings. Gumball is at his locker with Darwin]

Gumball: Trust me, man, you need to rub yourself with garlic.

Darwin: She's not a vampire.

Gumball: Yeah, but it would still keep most people away.

[Jamie approaches, pushes Gumball into his locker, and shuts it]

Jamie: Okay, rule one: If you ignore me or break up with me, there will be serious consequences involving you, me, a spoon, and a saltshaker. [Darwin thinks, then shudders] Oh, by the way, I got you a present to celebrate our love. [Shoves the present in Darwin's face. He opens it - it's a slightly smaller present] My present to you is a present for me. I've given you the gift of giving. Now hand it over! [He does and she opens it] Perfume?! [She throws the perfume on the floor, breaking it] Are you saying I smell bad?! Gosh darn it! [Beats up Gumball's locker] Sorry, honey. Lost my temper there for a second. See you at lunch.

[She begins to walk away, then turns and blows Darwin a kiss. The kiss gets caught in a locker. She waves at him and walks away. Gumball's locker opens and he falls out, beat up. His limbs are detached]

Lunchtime

[The bell rings. In the cafeteria, Gumball is about to eat his pizza slice when Jamie approaches and takes his tray, pushing it against Darwin's]

Jamie: Wanna share Gumball's lunch with me, sweetheart?

[She shoves the pizza slice into Darwin's mouth]

Gumball: Hey, Jamie, if a coconut has both hair and milk, why isn't it classified as a mammal? [Jamie goes brain-dead again] So, Darwin, why don't we get some more food in the [Points downward] basement? [Imitates walking down the stairs as he goes under the table. Beat. Gumball pulls Darwin down with him] Were you just gonna sit in silence up there, why aren't you saying anything?

Darwin: Simple, her problem is that she doesn't understand love so the best thing to do is to wait quietly until she works it out for herself.

Gumball: But, dude, you're encouraging her. Could you at least look less adorable? Something more like this.

[His face turns ugly. Darwin sighs]

Darwin: You know I can only look adorable. [Whispers] It's my curse. [His face turns into a cute real-life face] See?

Jamie: Nipples!

[Gumball and Darwin go back up]

Gumball: What?

Jamie: A coconut has milk, but it doesn't have nipples, which means it's not a mammal, it's a hairy milk carton from a tree.

Gumball: [Whispers] Wow.

Jamie: Can we get some privacy?! We're having a romantic meal here!

Gumball: Yeah, I know, it's mine.

Jamie: Look, if you don't get out of here, there will be serious consequences involving you, me, an electric fan, and a pair of dice.

[Gumball thinks, whispering, and shudders. He walks away. Jamie shoves a spoonful of food into Darwin's mouth]

In the Schoolyard

[Jamie stares at Darwin creepily and breathes for several seconds]

Jamie: To think we've only been together for a day. It takes some couples years to have the kind of long, comfortable silences as we have when we're alone.

Gumball: You're not alone [He is being used as a bench for Darwin and Jamie] And this isn't exactly comfortable.

Jamie: What did I tell you?!

[Gumball sighs]

Gumball: [Whispers] Benches don't talk.

[Sarah walks past]

Sarah: Hey, guys.

Jamie: So how long has this been going on?!

Sarah: What?

Jamie: No one asked for your opinion, you frozen freak! [Gets off of Gumball] Do you know what happens when you mess with my man?!

Sarah: I think you might be overreacting.

Jamie: I'll show you overreacting! [Starts acting like a monkey, throwing a trashcan at Sarah and passing gas] Yah.

[Sarah retches]

Sarah: Who does that?!

[Jamie chases her around]

Darwin: Now it's pretty gorilla-ish to me.

Gumball: Dude, she's your girlfriend, do something. Look, if you don't wanna talk, how 'bout you just use body language? It's easy: "I, [No symbol] don't, [Heart] love, [Jamie's face and voice] you. I respect you as a person and hope we can be friends in the future. [Throws pebbles] Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye." [Jamie comes back. She has ice cream on her cheek] Uh, you got a bit of yellow on you. [She wipes it off] No, on your hand. [She licks it off] Right, I'll just, uh, g-g-go scrape Sarah off that, uh, general area and take her to the infirmary.

[He runs away and Jamie grins at Darwin]

Gym Class

[Jamie cracks her joints and bench-presses a treadmill. Gumball, Darwin, and Richard look on]

Richard: Now I can see why you guys don't want to go to gym class.

Gumball: You should see what she does with the lacrosse stick. Wait, what are you doing here?

Richard: You forgot your gym-dodging kit.

[He brings out crutches and hospital equipment]

Gumball: Thanks. The less interaction with her, the better.

Richard: Who is she?

Gumball: Your future daughter-in-law.

Richard: Really? [Elbows Darwin] Daaaaarwiiin!

[He makes random noises]

Gumball: Are you done?

Richard: Almost. [Continues] I need to introduce myself. [Runs to Jamie] Hello, young lady. I'm Darwin's father. Listen, I just wanted to say--

Jamie: No, you listen to me, mister. I DON'T CARE THAT YOU DISAPPROVE OF OUR LOVE, YOU CAN'T STOP US FROM SEEING EACH OTHER!

Richard: What?

Jamie: [Mocking him] What? What? You find this hard to swallow?! Then I have plenty more where that came from!

[Time lapse. In the schoolyard, Gumball and Darwin watch as Richard, now with a lacrosse stick lodged in his head, gets into his car and drives off]

Gumball: How could you let that happen to your own father and say nothing? [Beat]

Apology

[Time lapse. Gumball and Darwin walk down the hall]

Gumball: I mean, if she were a food, there would be a label on her saying "Contains nut". If she were an animal, she'd be a crayfish. If she were a bird, her song would go "Cuckoo cuckoo [Pretends to strangle something]".

[Jamie comes out of a room, looking sad]

Jamie: There's a message in there for you about your dad.

[She walks away. Gumball opens the door to see Mr. Small, Rocky, Mr. Corneille, the librarian, Principal Brown, and Mrs. Markham taped to the lockers, spelling out "SORREE" with their bodies]

Gumball: "Sorrrreeehhh".

Nigel Brown: Is she gone?

Gumball: Uh-huh. And if her spelling were better, she could've spared one of you. [A lopsided kiss is seen next to the "message"] Whoa, she even left a kiss next to it. Who kisses like that? It's like a rap star snarl. Mwah. Dude, for the sake of everyone's safety, can you please talk to her and put an end to this?

Darwin: Mm-mm. [Walks away]

In Class

Gumball: Please.

Darwin: No.

Gumball: Please.

Darwin: No.

Gumball: Please.

Darwin: No.

Gumball: Please.

Darwin: No.

Gumball: Please.

Darwin: No.

Gumball: Please.

Darwin: No.

Gumball: Please.

Darwin: No.

Gumball: No.

Darwin: Please.

Gumball: Bummer. Usually, it works on TV.

Jamie: Darwin. Why aren't you sitting next to me?

Gumball: He is next to you.

Jamie: But he's also next to you.

Gumball: So?

Jamie: "So"? I'm tired of having to share my boyfriend with his other boyfriend.

Gumball: Wait, there's a big difference between a boyfriend and a friend who's a boy, you know.

Jamie: Not to me. Darwin, do you realize how this makes me feel?

Darwin: Mmmm. ["I don't know"]

Jamie: Then I'll show you. Gumball, from now on, you're my boyfriend, too.

[Zoom in on a shocked Gumball. He imagines a wedding on the beach involving him, Darwin, and Jamie]

Larry: You may now kiss the brides.

[Gumball and Darwin lift their veils and Jamie kisses them]

[Fast forward. Jamie leaves the Watterson household while Gumball and Darwin stand in the doorway dressed as housewives]

Jamie: You already have a job, your job is to look after the kids.

[She drives off while Gumball and Darwin look on as their many kids cry]

[Cut to the living room where Gumball and Darwin have new hairdos, which they show Jamie]

Gumball: Do you, uh, notice anything different?

Jamie: Hmm. [Beat] You look older.

[Back to reality. Gumball begins to hyperventilate and say something]

Darwin: Don't say anything. She has to work it out for herself.

[The bell rings]

Gumball: [Leaving] Okay, I'll just run.

Darwin: No, don't do anything either, just stay here. [Smiles nervously at Jamie]

The Chase

[Gumball bolts out of the room and runs]

Jamie: Gumball! Come back here! [Singsong voice] I'll make it romantic for you! [Turns all the lights in the hall off. Gumball turns the corner and bumps into Jamie, who's surrounded by candles and romantic messages] Look, candles. Now give me your heart. [Gumball screams and runs away] Wait! How about some music? [Plays "Daisy Bell" and Gumball stops to catch his breath] Sooooo cuuute. [Gumball screams and begins to run, but Jamie's around the corner] Come back; I wrote you a poem! "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're so cute, I could just eat you!" [Gumball runs into the cafeteria and jumps behind the lunch counter] I baked you a cake. [Gumball screams, Jamie smashes the cake, and he runs away] It's delicious! What is it? Am I not pretty enough for you? [Gumball runs into the janitor's closet. Jamie's in it, too. She shines a flashlight in her face. She has purple stuff on her lips] Is this better? [Gumball runs out of the closet only to face Jamie again. She's wearing a dress] Do you like my dress? [Gumball runs away] Is it the color? Wait, I got you a present! [Gumball runs into the library and into a dead end]

Gumball: No! No!

Jamie: Hello, boyfriend. I hope you're ready for your [Singsong voice] special present.

[She wields a bat with a bow wrapped around it]

Gumball: Somebody! Darwin!

[He sucks his thumb and rocks back and forth]

Jamie: [Singsong voice] Here it comes!

Gumball: What do you want from me?!

[Jamie goes brain-dead. Gumball waves his hand in her face. She drops the bat, back to normal]

Jamie: I can't do this. I can't force you to be my boyfriend. That's not how love works.

Gumball: Okay, so you're not--

Jamie: I'M NOT DONE YET! If you wanna be in a relationship, there has to be a mutual bond of trust.

[Beat]

Gumball: Okay, so--

Jamie: THERE'S MORE! Love is not something you take, it's something you earn. [Beat] I'M DONE NOW!

Gumball: O-okay, good! I-I only have one question, though. What were you gonna do with the fan and the dice?

Jamie: Nothing. I know people who imagine way scarier stuff than anything I could think of. So I just took any two words together. You, me, a jug of gravy, and an umbrella. A flame and a French horn. A feather duster and a pack of mini pizzas.

[Gumball is about to speak when the lights turn on]

Darwin: Stop! Stop, Jamie! You don't understand! Love is not something you take, it's something you earn!

[As Darwin speaks, Gumball tries to signal to him to stop]

Jamie: YOU THINK I'M STUPID?! YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS?!

[Camera switches to Darwin's point of view]

Jamie: HYAH!

[Jamie sucker punches him and the screen turns black. Darwin wakes up in the infirmary with Gumball looking at him]

Gumball: [stroking Darwin] You know, dude, all you had to do is to keep your mouth shut and say nothing.

[Episode ends]

v • e

Episode 1 "The DVD"	Episode 2 "The Responsible"	Episode 3 "The Third"	Episode 4 "The Debt"
Episode 5 "The End"	Episode 6 "The Dress"	Episode 7 "The Quest"	Episode 8 "The Spoon"
Episode 9 "The Pressure"	Episode 10 "The Painting"	Episode 11 "The Laziest"	Episode 12 "The Ghost"
Episode 13 "The Mystery"	Episode 14 "The Prank"	Episode 15 "The Gi"	Episode 16 "The Kiss"
Episode 17 "The Party"	Episode 18 "The Refund"	Episode 19 "The Robot"	Episode 20 "The Picnic"
Episode 21 "The Goons"	Episode 22 "The Secret"	Episode 23 "The Sock"	Episode 24 "The Genius"
Episode 25 "The Poltergeist"	Episode 26 "The Mustache"	Episode 27 "The Date"	Episode 28 "The Club"
Episode 29 "The Wand"	Episode 30 "The Ape"	Episode 31 "The Car"	Episode 32 "The Curse"
Episode 33 "The Microwave"	Episode 34 "The Meddler"	Episode 35 "The Helmet"	Episode 36 "The Fight"

Episode 1 "The Remote"	Episode 2 "The Colossus"	Episode 3 "The Knights"	Episode 4 "The Fridge"
Episode 5 "The Flower"	Episode 6 "The Banana"	Episode 7 "The Phone"	Episode 8 "The Job"
Episode 9 "Halloween"	Episode 10 "The Treasure"	Episode 11 "The Apology"	Episode 12 "The Words"
Episode 13 "The Skull"	Episode 14 "The Bet"	Episode 15 "Christmas"	Episode 16 "The Watch"
Episode 17 "The Bumpkin"	Episode 18 "The Flakers"	Episode 19 "The Authority"	Episode 20 "The Virus"
Episode 21 "The Pony"	Episode 22 "The Hero"	Episode 23 "The Dream"	Episode 24 "The Sidekick"
Episode 25 "The Photo"	Episode 26 "The Tag"	Episode 27 "The Storm"	Episode 28 "The Lesson"
Episode 29 "The Game"	Episode 30 "The Limit"	Episode 31 "The Voice"	Episode 32 "The Promise"
Episode 33 "The Castle"	Episode 34 "The Boombox"	Episode 35 "The Tape"	Episode 36 "The Sweaters"
Episode 37 "The Internet"	Episode 38 "The Plan"	Episode 39 "The World"	Episode 40 "The Finale"

Episode 1 "The Kids"	Episode 2 "The Fan"	Episode 3 "The Coach"	Episode 4 "The Joy"
Episode 5 "The Puppy"	Episode 6 "The Recipe"	Episode 7 "The Name"	Episode 8 "The Extras"
Episode 9 "The Gripes"	Episode 10 "The Vacation"	Episode 11 "The Fraud"	Episode 12 "The Void"
Episode 13 "The Boss"	Episode 14 "The Move"	Episode 15 "The Law"	Episode 16 "The Allergy"
Episode 17 "The Mothers"	Episode 18 "The Password"	Episode 19 "The Procrastinators"	Episode 20 "The Shell"
Episode 21 "The Burden"	Episode 22 "The Bros"	Episode 23 "The Mirror"	Episode 24 "The Man"
Episode 25 "The Pizza"	Episode 26 "The Lie"	Episode 27 "The Butterfly"	Episode 28 "The Question"
Episode 29 "The Saint"	Episode 30 "The Friend"	Episode 31 "The Oracle"	Episode 32 "The Safety"
Episode 33 "The Society"	Episode 34 "The Spoiler"	Episode 35 "The Countdown"	Episode 36 "The Nobody"
Episode 37 "The Downer"	Episode 38 "The Egg"	Episode 39 "The Triangle"	Episode 40 "The Money"

Episode 1 "The Return"	Episode 2 "The Nemesis"	Episode 3 "The Crew"	Episode 4 "The Others"
Episode 5 "The Signature"	Episode 6 "The Check"	Episode 7 "The Pest"	Episode 8 "The Sale"
Episode 9 "The Gift"	Episode 10 "The Parking"	Episode 11 "The Routine"	Episode 12 "The Upgrade"
Episode 13 "The Comic"	Episode 14 "The Romantic"	Episode 15 "The Uploads"	Episode 16 "The Apprentice"
Episode 17 "The Hug"	Episode 18 "The Wicked"	Episode 19 "The Traitor"	Episode 20 "The Origins"
Episode 21 "The Origins: Part Two"	Episode 22 "The Girlfriend"	Episode 23 "The Advice"	Episode 24 "The Signal"
Episode 25 "The Parasite"	Episode 26 "The Love"	Episode 27 "The Awkwardness"	Episode 28 "The Nest"
Episode 29 "The Points"	Episode 30 "The Bus"	Episode 31 "The Night"	Episode 32 "The Misunderstandings"
Episode 33 "The Roots"	Episode 34 "The Blame"	Episode 35 "The Slap"	Episode 36 "The Detective"
Episode 37 "The Fury"	Episode 38 "The Compilation"	Episode 39 "The Scam"	Episode 40 "The Disaster"

Episode 1 "The Rerun"	Episode 2 "The Stories"	Episode 3 "The Guy"	Episode 4 "The Boredom"
Episode 5 "The Vision"	Episode 6 "The Choices"	Episode 7 "The Code"	Episode 8 "The Test"
Episode 9 "The Slide"	Episode 10 "The Loophole"	Episode 11 "The Fuss"	Episode 12 "The Copycats"
Episode 13 "The Potato"	Episode 14 "The Outside"	Episode 15 "The Vase"	Episode 16 "The Matchmaker"
Episode 17 "The Box"	Episode 18 "The Console"	Episode 19 "The Ollie"	Episode 20 "The Catfish"
Episode 21 "The Cycle"	Episode 22 "The Stars"	Episode 23 "The Grades"	Episode 24 "The Diet"
Episode 25 "The Ex"	Episode 26 "The Sorcerer"	Episode 27 "The Menu"	Episode 28 "The Uncle"
Episode 29 "The Weirdo"	Episode 30 "The Heist"	Episode 31 "The Singing"	Episode 32 "The Best"
Episode 33 "The Worst"	Episode 34 "The Deal"	Episode 35 "The Petals"	Episode 36 "The Nuisance"
Episode 37 "The Line"	Episode 38 "The List"	Episode 39 "The News"	Episode 40 "The Puppets"

Episode 1 "The Rival"	Episode 2 "The Lady"	Episode 3 "The Sucker"	Episode 4 "The Vegging"
Episode 5 "The One"	Episode 6 "The Father"	Episode 7 "The Cringe"	Episode 8 "The Cage"
Episode 9 "The Neighbor"	Episode 10 "The Anybody"	Episode 11 "The Faith"	Episode 12 "The Candidate"
Episode 13 "The Pact"	Episode 14 "The Shippening"	Episode 15 "The Brain"	Episode 16 "The Parents"
Episode 17 "The Founder"	Episode 18 "The Schooling"	Episode 19 "The Intelligence"	Episode 20 "The Potion"
Episode 21 "The Spinoffs"	Episode 22 "The Transformation"	Episode 23 "The Understanding"	Episode 24 "The Ad"
Episode 25 "The Ghouls"	Episode 26 "The Stink"	Episode 27 "The Awareness"	Episode 28 "The Slip"
Episode 29 "The Drama"	Episode 30 "The Buddy"	Episode 31 "The Possession"	Episode 32 "The Master"
Episode 33 "The Silence"	Episode 34 "The Future"	Episode 35 "The Wish"	Episode 36 "The Factory"
Episode 37 "The Agent"	Episode 38 "The Web"	Episode 39 "The Mess"	Episode 40 "The Heart"
Episode 41 "The Revolt"	Episode 42 "The Decisions"	Episode 43 "The BFFs"	Episode 44 "The Inquisition"

Episode 1 "The Burger"	Episode 2 "The Assistant"	Episode 3 "The Distance"	Episode 4 "The Thing"
Episode 5 "The Butts"	Episode 6 "The Traffic"	Episode 7 "The Astrological"	Episode 8 "The Cheerleader"
Episode 9 "The Boring"	Episode 10 "The Teacher"	Episode 11 "The App"	Episode 12 "The Entrance"
Episode 13 "The Letter"	Episode 14 "The Gut"	Episode 15 "The Wrinkle"	Episode 16 "The Gourmet"
Episode 17 "The Pool"	Episode 18 "The Portrait"	Episode 19 "The Climb"	Episode 20 "The Amadain"

Episode 21 "The Summoning"	Episode 22 "The Unfollow"	Episode 23 "The Promposal"	Episode 24 "The Trumpet"
Episode 25 "The Synthesis"	Episode 26 "The Cheapmas"	Episode 27 "The Score"	Episode 28 "The Diary"
Episode 29 "The Punishment"	Episode 30 "The Roast"	Episode 31 "The Survivalists"	Episode 32 "The Labels"
Episode 33 "The Fools"	Episode 34 "The Homework"	Episode 35 "The Sonder"	Episode 36 "The Mister"
Episode 37 "The Tracking"	Episode 38 "The Pants"	Episode 39 "The Necroprancer"	Episode 40 "The Rewrite"