Arriving at Chanax
- [The episode begins with Nicole and Richard parking next to the Chanax building]
- Richard: Why do we have to do it in person? Can't we just pay the cable bill online?
- Nicole: No, because our internet has been cut off. Haven't you noticed how weird the kids have been acting lately?
- [Scene changes to Gumball, Darwin, and Anais, upset that they can't access the internet.]
- Anais: Memes.
- Gumball: Fails.
- Darwin: Kittens.
- [Scene switches back to Nicole and Richard]
- Richard: Aw, give them time. I'm sure they'll discover good things IRL. You know, all the hashtag good things that aren't on the internet. If you feel me, smash the like button below.
- Nicole: What are you talking about?
- Richard: You know, all the good things, like... [cannot think of anything]
- Nicole: Really? You can't think of anything important to you that's not on the internet? Something you've built your life around giving you constant emotional support and joy through the years?
- [Richard shrugs]
- Nicole: I'll give you a clue. It begins with "F".
- Richard: [Gasp] Foo- [notices Nicole's anger] Family. Seamless.
- Nicole: Yeah. Nice save, honey. Now you just stay here in the car while I go pay this bill.
- [Nicole walks up to the Cupcake Man, who is playing a game]
- Nicole: Excuse me. I'd like to pay this-
- Cupcake Man: Eh. [looks up] Yo?
- Nicole: Yeah, hi. I'd like to pay this bill, please.
- Cupcake Man: In person?
- Nicole: Yes, in person.
- Cupcake Man: Not online?
- Nicole: No, in person.
- Cupcake Man: [Holding up a finger] Hey, Tony, we got a dinosaur out here.
- Tony: [Nervous] What, dinosaur!? W-where is it!? Where is it!?
- Cupcake Man: No, no, no, Tony. I mean like an old-fashioned person.
- Tony: Oh, thank goodness. Don't do that! You know I'm scared of dinosaurs!
- Cupcake Man: I-I'm sorry man.
- Nicole: Excuse me. Not to interrupt whatever this is, but where can I pay this?
- Cupcake Man: Fourth floor, they can help you there.
- Nicole: Thank you. [leaves]
- Cupcake Man: I am so sorry.
- [Tony slaps Cupcake Man's hand away]
- Tony: Just don't!
- [Richard sits in the car with loud noises inside. Earl approaches the car and taps the window. Richard rolls the window down.]
- Earl: Sir! Could you keep your sound system down please?
- Richard: That’s my stomach, officer! I’m so hungry! In fact, I’m so hungry that I think I’m hallucinating.
- [The hallucination of the Hot Dog Cop ends up with him staying the same.]
- Richard: Wow, that was pointless. You’re already a hot dog.
- Earl: For your information, the preferred term is, "Artificially flavored reconstituted meat snack". I suggest you get something to eat, sir. [Leaves.]
- [Richard looks at John, who grabs something from the vending machine and eats it while heading to the elevator. Devil Richard appears on Richard’s shoulder.]
- Devil Richard: A vending machine, eh? Why not pop inside and get yourself something tasty, hm?
- Richard: But I don’t work there.
- Devil Richard: Just bluff it out. Act as if you own the place and nobody will dare question you.
- Richard: But Nicole said I had to wait in the car.
- Devil Richard: Hm…
- [Angel Richard appears on Devil Richard’s shoulder.]
- Angel Richard: Why are you always like this? Maybe you should sort out your own issues before advising other people.
- Devil Richard: Ah, give it a rest, goody two shoes. Why don’t you ever see things my way?
- Angel Richard: Hm…
- [A devil Richard appears on Angel Richard’s shoulder]
- Devil Richard II: You don’t have to listen to that guy! Why not teach him a lesson?
- [The three Richards argue while Richard watches them.]
- Richard: I either need some food or some therapy. Eh, chips are cheaper.
- [ Richard walks up to the vending machine and inserts a coin. He grabs a bag of chips and starts eating.]
- Cupcake Man: Uh, excuse me sir, do you have an appointment?
- [Richard gets nervous, then Devil Richard pops up.]
- Devil Richard: Just act like you own the place. I mean where’s the harm in that?
- [Angel Richard appears while playing a video game.]
- Angel Richard: Eh, just do what he says. I’m hungry.
- Cupcake Man: Uh, sir?
- Richard: I don’t need an appointment. I own the place.
- Cupcake Man: I’m sorry for keeping you waiting, sir, please don’t fire me! I’ll tell the CEO immediately!
- [The Cupcake Man picks up the phone, and the song starts.]
- Cupcake Man: He's back!
- Karen: He's back?! I'll tell him right away!
- Carmen's Father, Dolphin Man, Spray-Paint Bottle, John, Jeff, and Clipboard Man: He's back?!
- Goblin: A monumentous day!
Send somebody down to greet him
Who'd have thought I'd finally meet him?
- Gray Comstruction Man, Hexagon Lady, and Doctor Literature: He's back!
- Leonard Daniels: Who's back?
- Gray Construction Man, Hexagon Lady, and Doctor Literature: The founder of this place!
- Fake Muriel: Agog!
- Siciliana: Aghast!
- Dolphin Woman: But no one's ever seen his face!
- John, Dolphin Man, and Jeff: He's a genius of business!
- Jeff: Is there no limit to his wiz-ness?
- Dolphin Man: [Spoken] It's pronounced "wiseness."
- John, Dolphin Man, and Jeff: You're back!
- Richard: I'm back?
- John, Dolphin Man, and Jeff: Will you please accept this gift?
- John: May I say, sir, you're my hero
To have built this up from zero!
- Dolphin Man: John, stop acting like a bootlick!
May I offer, Sir, a toothpick?
- Jeff: He's back!
- John and Dolphin Man: Here's accounts and acquisitions
Asset strippers, statisticians
- Nicole: Who can help me pay this bill?
- Hexagon Lady: Try level seven, ask for Phil.
- Richard: What's that awful stench of evil?
- Dolphin Man: Could be marketing.
- John: Or legal.
- Gray Construction Man: They say he crushes rivals underfoot!
- Newspaper Employee: Stripped departments, raised output!
- Flight Attendant: Dare not look him in the eyes!
- Leonard Daniels: He's sure to cut you down to size!
- Goblin: I'm nervous, apprehensive
Quick, which tie looks more expensive?
- Floppy Disk: I've heard he's a giant among giants!
Six foot six of raw defiance!
- Clipboard Man: I heard short, quite abusive!
- Carmen's Father: Who can say? He's so reclusive!
- Goblin: All fall silent at the ding!
What fresh vision will he bring?
Sharing wisdom, insight, knack!
Welcome, Founder. You are back!
- [song ends]
Some Plans For Work
[Richard laughs in embarrassement]
- Richard: ...Yes?
- Floppy Disk: I, don't think that's him.
[The Goblin press a button under his desk, and the Floppy Disk falls through a pit]
- Goblin: Of course it's him. What are the odds someone would show up, pretending to be the founder the exact day we invited him to approve the new office design?
- Richard: ...Yeah, is that guy gonna be okay?
- Goblin: Do you want him to be okay?
- Richard: [confused] Yes...
- Goblin: [picks his phone] Hello Linda, there's a guy coming down to reception. He's already landed? [inhales sharply]. Well, sweep him up and pay his medical bills. [hangs up the phone] He's gonna be fine. Anyway, thanks for coming, we know you're normally reclusive, never leave the house, and frankly, we'd thought you'd been dead for years, but we're glad you're here. Now, as you know, we hired the most expensive architect money could buy! I tell you I haven't seen so many zeros since I walked through economy to get to first class, am I right?
- Employees: Ha ha ha ha! We're rich!
- Goblin: I must warn you, these designs seem pretty cutting edge, but we know you're used to thinking outside the current aesthetic.
- Richard: Yeah, well I know a long word too... [silence] spaghetti.
- Jeff: He’s a genius!
- Goblin:[brings in a table with sheet on it] Okay, so allow me to present the bold new future for CHANAX.
- Richard: I love it!
- Goblin: Don’t you want me to take off-
- Richard: No! It’s perfect as it is.
- Jeff: Of course! Why didn't we see it before?
- Dolphin Man: The long, sleek columns, the wheel motifs, the bold silhouette, it's genius!
- Goblin: Well, it certainly taps into the zeitgeist.
- Richard: Exactly! Like a ghost on stilts!
- Spray-Paint Bottle: That's what I said! A ghost on stilts!
- Carmen's Father: Nothing says business like a ghost on stilts!
- Goblin: Well, construction's starting right away! [Takes Richard aside by a window] Sir, if I may say, for too long this company has been held back by mama's boys, vegetarians, and yes-men. Am I right?
- Employees: YES!
- Goblin: What we need now is exactly your kind of out-of-the-box thinking. Forget throwing caution to the wind! You take caution out for a lovely five-course meal, meet caution's parents, and skip out the bathroom window during dessert, leaving caution's dad, who didn't like you in the first place, to pick up the tab while you circle around and set fire to caution's beach house! Am I right?
- Employees: YES!
- Goblin: So come on! I'm sure you have many more bold, seat-of-the-pants, pull-off-your-own-kneecaps-and-run-'em-up-the-flagpole ideas to share with us!
- Richard: Uhhh... yeah, I guess so. Yes! Yes I do! [Slowly slides down into a painful splits and blushes] We should start by making the floors less slippy.
- [The Chanax logo on the side of the building is seen as broadcast music plays.]
- Richard: [voice-over] Hi. I'm sure you've noticed we've made a few changes here at Chanax.
- [Shot changes to some Chanax employees shaking hands in the main office. Richard is seen on-screen as he rolls by on an office chair.]
- Richard: And because we value your opinion but don't want to talk to you personally, I'll try to answer some of your questions in this video.
- [Felicity is seen, sitting at a desk with a computer and holding Billy.]
- Felicity: Since I've had my baby, can I switch to more flexible hours?
- Richard: [Puts his hand on the keyboard, causing several error messages] That's right! The office chairs are boring! So we're replacing them with an alternative that's a bit more fun and works better. [Several employees are pulled from their desks, and workers install hammocks in place of the chairs.] That's right, we're putting the fun in functionality! Funfunctionality! [The word flashes across the screen. An employee tries to reach for his keyboard while sitting in the hammock, but only falls over. An elderly skeleton employee is seen]
- Soulless Office Worker: Will the recent changes affect my pension?
- Richard: You can't work when you're hungry! That's why we're installing a pizza kiln at every work station!
- [The soulless office worker is trying to work, but the pizza kiln makes the room too hot to concentrate]
- Skeleton: Ahh, it's too hot to work!
- [Cut to another employee, the farmer]
- Farmer: What will happen to my dental plan?
- Richard: Exactly! We've replaced all the stairs in the building with slides and flumes!
- Farmer: [Points down the elevator] There is nothing there. It is just a sheer drop.
- Richard: It'll be done by the time this goes out. We'll cut it in later. Just jump!
- Farmer: Eh. [Jumps down the elevator] Wheeeeeeeee!!! [hits ground] Ah!
- [Cut to finished slide. A butterknife employee, dressed like the farmer, hops out of the slide.]
- Butterknife: Wow, that was so funfunctional! It works a dream! But what about me? I'm on a temporary contract. How will I be affected?
- Richard: And the office itself? Well, as part of our continuing vision, we are redesigning, starting with totally removing the structural foundation. [Shows blueprint of new design, it is in the shape of the table with the sheet on it like the Goblin showed Richard earlier. Hank is then seen removing the foundation by drilling]
- Richard: [voice-over] And we've got other exciting innovations on the way too! Like the double kiln! [The soulless office worker is seen, passed out from all the heat]
- [Felicity, John, the soulless office worker, and the butterknife employee are now all seen complaining in a four-way split screen. A fifth screen appears, it is Hank drilling out the foundation]
- Hank: Drillin' out the foundations ain't safe!
- [The Chanax logo reappears]
- Richard: Chanax. We're listening.
Getting the Bill Paid
[Phil is working at his desk when Nicole finds him.]
Nicole: Excuse me, Phil? I was sent here to pay this bill. I've now been here longer than some of the employees. [Two employees walk by.]
Employees: Hey, Nicole!
Nicole: Oh hey, Al! How are the kids? Working hard or hardly working, Jimbo?
Employees: Ain't that the truth!
[The building starts to shake violently.]
Nicole: What's that?
Phil: Oh, that's been happening quite a lot. They're taking out the foundations.
Nicole: That really doesn't sound like a good idea.
Phil: It beats the triple kiln. [The soulless office worker walks by, sweating profusely.]
Nicole: Can I just get this paid?! [Another shake. A piece of the ceiling falls on Phil's computer.]
Phil: Yeah, the computer doesn't seem to be responding. Give it a minute?
Nicole: Right. I'm gonna pay this bill if it's the last thing I do! Where's your manager?
[A third shake. More ceiling falls down. Felicity and two clipboard men run by, screaming.]
Felicity: AAAAAHHHHH!!! SAVE YOURSELVES!!
Phil: I think she just stepped down.
Nicole: Then I'm taking this all the way to the top!
Phil: To the founder?
Nicole: If I have to! [She gets into the elevator and presses a button, but nothing happens.] C'mon! What's wrong with the elevator?
Phil: That's a new thing. You need two people to work it. [Nicole grabs him and pulls him into the elevator. Suddenly, the elevator goes pitch-black.]
Nicole: What's this now?
Phil: Wait for it.
Elevator Voice: You have requested the "Dance Floor!" Three! Two! One! [A dance floor lights up and music starts playing.]
Phil: You gotta dance to make it go up. [They start to dance, in perfect sync.]
Elevator Voice: Perfect! Keep going!
[Meanwhile, on the top floor, the Goblin is talking to Richard by the window. The floor is shaking]
Goblin: Daaahh, the whole building's crumbling! Employees have all been sent home! [Sinister] I see you for what you are now.
Richard: [Gulps in fear]
Goblin: [gleefully] A gosh darn MARKETING GENIUS!! Think of the publicity! We'll be all over the front pages! And the sidewalk. But I get it! It's like the Titanic: crashing that boat made it an international superstar! [He looks around triumphantly as the building crumbles.]
[Meanwhile, Nicole and Phil are still dancing in the elevator. Nicole stops for a moment to notice Phil's surprisingly graceful dance moves. He elegantly dances in slow motion as soft piano music plays. Suddenly, the elevator reaches the top floor and Nicole gets off]
Nicole: Come on!
Phil: No, I'm staying right here.
Phil: I never knew what I wanted to do with my life, until now!
Nicole: You wanna dance in the elevator of a crumbling building?
Phil: Oh, yeah. See you at the Christmas party. [He dances back into the elevator and the door closes.]
The Fall of Chanax
[Nicole runs up to the Goblin's desk and slams the bill on it.]
Nicole: Who's in charge here?!
[The big chair turns around, revealing Richard. The chair starts spinning uncontrollably.]
Nicole: Richard?! What are you doing here?!
Richard: I have absolutely no idea.
Nicole: This is precisely why I ask you to stay in the car.
Goblin: Wait a minute-you're not the founder of Chanax?
Richard: No. But you guys seemed so convinced, I figured I must be in the wrong!
Goblin: WHAT?! You're not a hard-nosed, no-nonsense business guru at all! You're a lying, swindling, talentless con artist! [beat] Which is, hm, you know, potato-potahto.
[Another powerful jolt. More ceiling falls off.]
Nicole: How do we get out of here?!
Goblin: Well, we had a corporate helipad put in right above us.
Nicole: Oh, thank goodness!
Goblin: But thanks to THIS brainbox, we replaced it with something funfunctional!!
[Cut to Richard, Nicole, and the Goblin plummeting down from the top of the building in an ice cream truck and landing right on their car. Immediately after, the entire Chanax skyscraper slowly gives way and collapses into a heap of rubble. An "A" from the side of the building hits the truck. The three emerge coughing from a cloud of dust]
Nicole: So does that mean I still have to pay this? [Holds up bill]
Goblin: Let me take care of that. [takes it and rips it up] Just pay it online!
[Nicole grumbles in anger, and Richard happily offers her an ice pop from the truck. Episode ends.]