In the Principal's Office
- [The school bell rings. Anais and Jamie are sitting in Principal Brown's office]
- Anais: What are we doing here?
- Jamie: Could be anything for me. Everything I do is wrong according to Brown. The way I played tag on the playground two months ago?
- [Flashback to said event: Billy is crying because Jamie wrote on him with a marker. Brown glares at her. End flashback]
- Jamie: The boxing gloves I bought for show and tell two weeks ago?
- [Flashback to said event: Gumball, Darwin, Leslie, Colin and Carmen are all beat up, and the class trashed]
- Jamie: [Narrating] Guess they wanted me to tell...
- [End flashback, which transitions into another:]
- Jamie: [Narrating] The way I divided by two in my maths test yesterday?
- [In the flashback, Jamie karate chops her table in half. End flashback]
- Jamie: And he'll probably be angry about how I interpreted his poster thirty seconds ago.
- Anais: "Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames"?
- [The office is on fire. Anais screams and frantically tries to put it out]
- Jamie: What about you, nerd? Why are you here?
- [Principal Brown bursts in]
- Nigel Brown: I'll tell you why you're here. All the school's politically correct equipment has caught the flu because someone in the library used their eyebrows to watch an illegal river!
- Jamie: ...Wha?
- Anais: I think he means all the school's PCs have caught a virus because someone in the library used their browser to watch an illegal stream.
- Nigel Brown: You were the last two in the library. I will give you one chance to fix it, or one of you will have to pay.
- Anais: Um, okay. Maybe it's a motherboard problem.
- Nigel Brown: Very well. [calls his mother] Ah, hello, mother. What are you doing today? [to Anais] Ha! It's bingo night, and mother loves it, so she's not bored at all.
- [Anais is confused]
- Nigel Brown: Someone has to pay for this. Anais, Jamie, you know what to do.
- [Jamie smashes the chair she was sitting on, and prepares to hit Anais with it]
- Nigel Brown: Right, right, right! I guess you don't. I meant, one of you needs to fess up to this before the end of today, or both of you will get expelled.
- [Anais and Jamie exit the office]
- Anais: [Sighs] I guess there's no way around it, Jamie. We're gonna have to partner up, go to the library, and find the real culprit together. Maybe even developing an unlikely but meaningful friendship! Not because I'm desperate to have a friend, and my therapist says it's because I force myself on people, and I should take things slow, and "What are you doing at my house? No, I don't want to ride a tandem bike with you. It's one AM. I'm calling the police." No! Our souls will fuse like polyester pants with leg skin after an accident with boiling water! But, like, in a good way. This could be beautiful. Potentially life-long friendship. Maybe-- [Jamie has left]
- Anais: [Sighs] Thank goodness you didn't stick around to hear that. It's like my brain got emotional food poisoning and the nearest exit was my mouth.
Investigation
- Anais: Okay, just to be sure, it definitely wasn't you who did it, right? [Jamie shakes her head no] Maybe you should check your mailbox and make sure you didn't click some weird attachment.
- Jamie: Okay, I'll check.
- [Jamie walks a long distance back to her house, and checks her mailbox, which is empty. She closes it, and returns to the library]
- Jamie: Nope. Nothing there.
- Anais: Did you... Did you just go home?
- Jamie: Well, duh. How else do you check your mail?
- Anais: Okay... I guess it's safe to assume it wasn't you who downloaded the virus.
- Jamie: [Chuckles] And it obviously wasn't you, either.
- Anais: Yeah, I'm way too techie to make that kind of noob mistake.
- Jamie: No, 'cause you're incapable of doing anything bad.
- [Anais is offended]
- Anais: Oh, you want bad? I'll give you bad.
- Jamie: Eh, show me what you got.
- Anais: I'm gonna kick your butt!
- Jamie: Mm.
- Anais: With my face!
- Jamie: What?
- Anais: I'm gonna feed you a finger burger!
- Jamie: It's "knuckle sandwich."
- Anais: I'm gonna manicure that sandwich! That's right. I'm gonna go medieval on your butt! I'll build, like, a castle on it with a moat and hang tapestries inside and invite minstrels and jugglers, and we'll eat meat with our hands!
- Jamie: That's just plain weird.
- Anais: I'm gonna wax your blowhole!
- Jamie: All right, all right. You definitely didn't do it. [Walks away]
- Anais: I'm gonna toot your flute!
- [Cut to a different part of the library. One of the computers there sneezes. Anais checks the temperature of one of them]
- Anais: [Gasps] It's burning up. It's definitely a virus, look at the desktop!
- [Jamie takes this literally and looks at the desk top]
- Anais: I meant on the screen.
- [The screen is melting]
- Jamie: Yeah, I know! What do you take me for, some kind of slack-jawed yodel?!
- Anais: I think you meant "yokel," unless you meant... [Yodels, and shortly afterwards, laughs]
- Jamie: What?! You're saying you're intelligenter than me?
- Anais: Jamie, I would never say that! Because it's not a word.
- [Jamie, who has had enough of Anais' taunting, grabs her]
- Jamie: Bah!
- Anais: I'm beginning to reconsider our potential friendship!
- Jamie: And I'm beginning to reconsider the angle of your nose!
- Anais: [Grunts]
- Jamie: Wait. There's a camera!
- Anais: [gasps] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Jamie: Uh, it means...
- Anais: The culprit must've been caught on tape. Yes!
- Jamie: [slowly] ...the culprit... must have been...
- Anais: [as Jamie is speaking] Yes, caught on tape.
- Jamie: [slowly] ...caught on...
- [Anais sighs]
- [Anais and Jamie are back at the principal's office. Anais views the tape footage]
- Anais: Okay, here we go. This is around the time the computers got infected.
- [Suddenly, the tape stops]
- Anais: What the? No, no, no, no, no, no. [the tape footage returns; momentarily, but stops again] No! It's been erased! What are we gonna do?
- Jamie: Let me try my way!
- [Jamie prepares to punch the TV]
- Anais: No, no, don't!
- Jamie: Pfft, I'm not gonna punch a TV. I've got a little more sense than that.
- Anais: Oh. What are you gonna do, then?
- Jamie: Threaten it!
- [Jamie does so, and the tape footage returns; Bobert is shown near the computers. He looks around before noticing the camera. Upon noticing it, he runs away]
- Anais: [Gasps] Bobert was there!
- Jamie: [Looks at Anais smugly]
- Anais: Jamie, the picture didn't come back on because you threatened the TV. Bobert just erased the part that showed he was involved.
- Jamie: Ha. Keep telling yourself that.
- Anais: [Turns to the TV, thinks] Turn yourself off! [The TV doesn't turn off. She chuckles]
- [Jamie runs back inside and threatens the TV again, causing it to turn off. Anais is surprised]
- Anais: ...Oh. Huh?
- [School bell rings. At the courtyard, Anais and Jamie are interrogating Bobert, who is infected.]
- Bobert: I d-d-didn't do it.
- Anais: We saw you coming out from under the desk!
- Bobert: It was not m-m-me.
- Anais: Really? 'Cause you look pretty infected to me.
- Bobert: I feel a-absolutely f-f-fine.
- Anais: Then, how do you explain your little wardrobe malfunction?
- [The cover of Bobert's bottom slides down, and up]
- Bobert: This could n-not get any more embarrassing. [Oil squirts out. Bobert sighs] I admit I was in the libr-br-brary, but I was not the one who con-con-con-contaminated the computers. They contaminated me.
- Anais: Really? How?
- Bobert: That is t-too intrusive a question.
- Jamie: More intrusive than the surgical operation to remove my foot from your backside?!
- Bobert: Comparatively not. [Sighs] I-I-I was practicing my kissing on one of the computers' USB ports.
- Anais: Well, if it wasn't you, who did it?
- Bobert: There was only one other person w-when you left. It was the -- [Someone throws a book from above and it hits Bobert. Bobert deactivates, and his bottom casing slides down. Anais gasps as a shadowy figure closes the window they threw the book from.]
- Jamie: An English dictionary! This can only mean one thing. This book must belong to either someone who speaks English, or someone who doesn't, and wants to learn.
- Anais: [face shows irritance momentarily as Jamie speaks] Great! That reduces our search to the whole of planet Earth, Jamie! Now, open it. There might be some clues inside!
- Jamie: [Opens book] Well, it looks like this belongs to a certain Mr. Acknowledgements.
- Anais: [Sighs] Check the last name at the end.
- Jamie: "I, I, I-I-I-I, I-I-I-I."
- Anais: That's the barcode. Give me that! [Looks through book; Gasps] "Give up... or else"?
- [Dramatic sounder plays as Anais and Jamie have a realization]
- Jamie: Or else what?
- Anais: ...Let's just go check in the library.
Back to the Library
- [Anais and Jamie are back in the library. They walk to the Tree Librarian's post]
- Anais: Hi, we'd like to --
- Tree Librarian: Shh!
- Anais: [quieter] We'd like to know who --
- Tree Librarian: Shhhhh!
- Anais: [whispering] To know who the last person was --
- Tree Librarian: Shhhhhhh!
- Anais: [unintelligible]
- Tree Librarian: Hmm? [unintelligible]
- Jamie: [Mouthing "Just tell us" in what would seem to be a loud voice, causing some of the Tree Librarian's leaves to fly away]
- Tree Librarian: All right, all right, I'll tell you everything that happened! [whispering] No need to shout. [writes something]
- Anais: [Mouthing; subtitled] I know who ruined the computers. It was the blue cat boy and his fish friend. [Puts hands on cheeks; subtitled] [♪♪♪]
- Jamie: [Whispering; subtitled] What was that?
- Anais: [Mouthing; subtitled] Another dramatic 'dun dun duuuunnn!' [to the librarian] But how? [the librarian writes something] They were watching cartoons on a pirate website. [to Jamie] Why do people use those sites? They freeze all the ti-[As she says that, Anais freezes momentarily; rubs her nose] ...time. Sorry, I thought I was gonna sneeze.
- Jamie: [Mouthing; subtitled] So they threw the book and erased the tapes as well? [librarian writes something] Yes, they borrowed the dictionary and [Gasps and throws the book at the librarian, knocking her out]
- Anais: [unintelligible] What is wrong with you?! [as Jamie picks up a note] You are officially the most primitive, brutish, savage --
- Jamie: Recognize the handwriting? [shows Anais note; it is the same as in the dictionary; note reads "Yes, they borrowed the dictionary and ran away"]
- Anais: [Gasps] Genius!
- Anais and Jamie: It's the same handwriting as the note written in the dictionary!
- Anais: You just busted our perp. That was some pretty impressive work right there, Detective Russo!
- Jamie: I know, right? Who would've thought a brute like me could be this couth? [Anais is irritated... again]
- Anais: ...What's that now?
- Jamie: Couth.
- Anais: Okay, that's not really a word.
- Jamie: Yeah, it is. It's the opposite of uncouth.
- Anais: No, no, no. Uncouth doesn't have an opposite. Like "nonsensical."
- Jamie: Oh, I get it. Yeah, that's sensical.
- Anais: Uh...
- [Suddenly, the Tree Librarian wakes up again, startling the two!]
- Tree Librarian: Over my dead body!!
- Jamie: What?
- Tree Librarian: Oh, hold on. Did you get to the part where you're going to reveal everything to Principal Brown?
- Anais: No, but I think we might as well.
- Tree Librarian: Over my dead body!!
- [The Tree Librarian lifts her desk up, causing the two to scream; they run off. In a different part of the library, the librarian throws her desk at them. The librarian steadily advances towards them]
- Jamie: I know! Let's throw some heavy reading at her!
- [Jamie proceeds to throw books at the librarian, but she is unfazed. She continues to advance towards them.]
- Jamie: It's not working!
- Anais: Because this is the celebrity-memoir section! We're gonna need something with a bit more substance.
- [The duo run off to a different section of the library.]
- Anais: Here, the classics! This is some powerful literature!
- [The duo enter the classics section. Jamie prepares to throw a book.]
- Anais: Wait! Their real power lies inside. [book she's holding is "War and Peace"; she opens it...] Ha! [...to the wrong chapter] Oh, wait. That's the peace part. [she flips to the right chapter] Ha!
- [Cannonballs shoot out of the book Anais is holding. They are headed towards the librarian, but she dodges it.]
- [The librarian spots a "Robin Hood" book near her, and she opens it. A barrage of arrows now rain down on the duo, but they duck against the nearby book trolley.]
- [Anais picks up "Dante's Inferno", and opens it, unleashing a fire, once again headed towards the librarian! She dodges it, and the fire instead hits the bookshelf behind her.]
- [The librarian notices "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea", and gets up as the fire dissipates. She opens the book, and a tidal wave of water hits the duo!]
- Tree Librarian: [laughs evilly] Two can play at that game!
- Jamie: [coughs out water; gasps as she sees "Gone with the Wind". She opens it] Get a load of this!
- Voiceover: You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.
- [kissing sounds]
- Jamie: ...the title made it sound more awesome than that.
- Anais: Jamie! Try "Moby Dick"! [throws book at her]
- [Jamie opens "Moby Dick" and a giant whale comes out of it, knocking the librarian back!]
- [However, the librarian notices "The Three Musketeers". Just as Anais gets up, the librarian is already on the offensive, using three swords which come out of the book. She forces the duo into full retreat, eventually cornering them.]
- Jamie: "For Whom the Bell Tolls"!
- Anais: Oh, nice quip.
- Jamie: No, that's the title of the book. [opens it, not knowing of its contents]
- Anais: No, wait! That one ends in a massive explo--
- [An explosion inside the library blows its doors away. The duo coughs, and the two look up: the Tree Librarian has cornered them.]
- Jamie: She's got us cornered!
- Tree Librarian: [as she pulls a bookshelf] You will perish here! No one will ever find you in the Greek philosophy aisle!
- Anais: Wait! Why are you doing all this?!
- Tree Librarian: Because books have lost their --
- Anais: ...Uh. [points out a sign behind the librarian that says "No talking"]
- Tree Librarian: [Groans, writes something]
- [The duo reads the note the Librarian shows them, Jamie getting stuck after a few seconds.]
- Anais: Oh.
- [There is no response from Jamie]
- Anais: Do you want me to just read...
- [Jamie does a "no" gesture]
- Anais: [Facepalms] She destroyed the computers because they were making her job redundant!
- Jamie: Oh! So without them, her job remains dundant!
- Anais: [Sighs in annoyance; to librarian] Well, we won't go down without a fight!
- Tree Librarian: These books are literary heavyweights! You don't have the reading lev --
- [Anais throws a book at her. Anais pants]
- Jamie: Wow! I can't believe you could lift that.
- Anais: Eh, it was only the study guide.
Case Solved
- [Anais and Jamie walk out of the principal's office]
- Jamie: Well, that's it! We're off the hook.
- Anais: It's lucky she literally wrote down her confession. And even if all she had to do is pay for the damaged computers, on a librarian's salary, it will still take, what, forty thousand years?
- Anais and Jamie: [Laughs]
- Anais: I guess this makes us buddies, right?
- Jamie: No. [Anais groans] It makes us friends.
- [Anais is overjoyed: she gasps, and a halo goes around her head, all while angelic music plays. The duo then walk down the hallway. Anais grabs Jamie's hand]
- Jamie: Uh, friends don't hold hands.
- Anais: [lets go of Jamie's hand] Oh, sorry.
- Jamie: Just play it cool. [Anais literally "plays it cool"] Not that cool.
- Anais: Right, right.
- [Episode ends]
v • e Transcript
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| Episode 1 The DVD |
Episode 2 The Responsible |
Episode 3 The Third |
Episode 4 The Debt |
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| Episode 5 The End |
Episode 6 The Dress |
Episode 7 The Quest |
Episode 8 The Spoon |
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| Episode 9 The Pressure |
Episode 10 The Painting |
Episode 11 The Laziest |
Episode 12 The Ghost |
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| Episode 13 The Mystery |
Episode 14 The Prank |
Episode 15 The Gi |
Episode 16 The Kiss |
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| Episode 17 The Party |
Episode 18 The Refund |
Episode 19 The Robot |
Episode 20 The Picnic |
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| Episode 21 The Goons |
Episode 22 The Secret |
Episode 23 The Sock |
Episode 24 The Genius |
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| Episode 25 The Poltergeist |
Episode 26 The Mustache |
Episode 27 The Date |
Episode 28 The Club |
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| Episode 29 The Wand |
Episode 30 The Ape |
Episode 31 The Car |
Episode 32 The Curse |
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| Episode 33 The Microwave |
Episode 34 The Meddler |
Episode 35 The Helmet |
Episode 36 The Fight |
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| Episode 1 The Remote |
Episode 2 The Colossus |
Episode 3 The Knights |
Episode 4 The Fridge |
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| Episode 5 The Flower |
Episode 6 The Banana |
Episode 7 The Phone |
Episode 8 The Job |
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| Episode 9 Halloween |
Episode 10 The Treasure |
Episode 11 The Apology |
Episode 12 The Words |
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| Episode 13 The Skull |
Episode 14 The Bet |
Episode 15 Christmas |
Episode 16 The Watch |
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| Episode 17 The Bumpkin |
Episode 18 The Flakers |
Episode 19 The Authority |
Episode 20 The Virus |
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| Episode 21 The Pony |
Episode 22 The Hero |
Episode 23 The Dream |
Episode 24 The Sidekick |
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| Episode 25 The Photo |
Episode 26 The Tag |
Episode 27 The Storm |
Episode 28 The Lesson |
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| Episode 29 The Game |
Episode 30 The Limit |
Episode 31 The Voice |
Episode 32 The Promise |
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| Episode 33 The Castle |
Episode 34 The Boombox |
Episode 35 The Tape |
Episode 36 The Sweaters |
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| Episode 37 The Internet |
Episode 38 The Plan |
Episode 39 The World |
Episode 40 The Finale |
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| Episode 1 The Kids |
Episode 2 The Fan |
Episode 3 The Coach |
Episode 4 The Joy |
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| Episode 5 The Puppy |
Episode 6 The Recipe |
Episode 7 The Name |
Episode 8 The Extras |
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| Episode 9 The Gripes |
Episode 10 The Vacation |
Episode 11 The Fraud |
Episode 12 The Void |
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| Episode 13 The Boss |
Episode 14 The Move |
Episode 15 The Law |
Episode 16 The Allergy |
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| Episode 17 The Mothers |
Episode 18 The Password |
Episode 19 The Procrastinators |
Episode 20 The Shell |
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| Episode 21 The Burden |
Episode 22 The Bros |
Episode 23 The Mirror |
Episode 24 The Man |
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| Episode 25 The Pizza |
Episode 26 The Lie |
Episode 27 The Butterfly |
Episode 28 The Question |
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| Episode 29 The Saint |
Episode 30 The Friend |
Episode 31 The Oracle |
Episode 32 The Safety |
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| Episode 33 The Society |
Episode 34 The Spoiler |
Episode 35 The Countdown |
Episode 36 The Nobody |
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| Episode 37 The Downer |
Episode 38 The Egg |
Episode 39 The Triangle |
Episode 40 The Money |
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| Episode 1 The Return |
Episode 2 The Nemesis |
Episode 3 The Crew |
Episode 4 The Others |
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| Episode 5 The Signature |
Episode 6 The Check |
Episode 7 The Pest |
Episode 8 The Sale |
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| Episode 9 The Gift |
Episode 10 The Parking |
Episode 11 The Routine |
Episode 12 The Upgrade |
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| Episode 13 The Comic |
Episode 14 The Romantic |
Episode 15 The Uploads |
Episode 16 The Apprentice |
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| Episode 17 The Hug |
Episode 18 The Wicked |
Episode 19 The Traitor |
Episode 20 The Origins |
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| Episode 21 The Origins: Part Two |
Episode 22 The Girlfriend |
Episode 23 The Advice |
Episode 24 The Signal |
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| Episode 25 The Parasite |
Episode 26 The Love |
Episode 27 The Awkwardness |
Episode 28 The Nest |
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| Episode 29 The Points |
Episode 30 The Bus |
Episode 31 The Night |
Episode 32 The Misunderstandings |
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| Episode 33 The Roots |
Episode 34 The Blame |
Episode 35 The Slap |
Episode 36 The Detective |
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| Episode 37 The Fury |
Episode 38 The Compilation |
Episode 39 The Scam |
Episode 40 The Disaster |
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| Episode 1 The Rerun |
Episode 2 The Stories |
Episode 3 The Guy |
Episode 4 The Boredom |
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| Episode 5 The Vision |
Episode 6 The Choices |
Episode 7 The Code |
Episode 8 The Test |
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| Episode 9 The Slide |
Episode 10 The Loophole |
Episode 11 The Fuss |
Episode 12 The Copycats |
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| Episode 13 The Potato |
Episode 14 The Outside |
Episode 15 The Vase |
Episode 16 The Matchmaker |
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| Episode 17 The Box |
Episode 18 The Console |
Episode 19 The Ollie |
Episode 20 The Catfish |
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| Episode 21 The Cycle |
Episode 22 The Stars |
Episode 23 The Grades |
Episode 24 The Diet |
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| Episode 25 The Ex |
Episode 26 The Sorcerer |
Episode 27 The Menu |
Episode 28 The Uncle |
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| Episode 29 The Weirdo |
Episode 30 The Heist |
Episode 31 The Singing |
Episode 32 The Best |
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| Episode 33 The Worst |
Episode 34 The Deal |
Episode 35 The Petals |
Episode 36 The Nuisance |
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| Episode 37 The Line |
Episode 38 The List |
Episode 39 The News |
Episode 40 The Puppets |
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| Episode 1 The Rival |
Episode 2 The Lady |
Episode 3 The Sucker |
Episode 4 The Vegging |
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| Episode 5 The One |
Episode 6 The Father |
Episode 7 The Cringe |
Episode 8 The Cage |
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| Episode 9 The Neighbor |
Episode 10 The Anybody |
Episode 11 The Faith |
Episode 12 The Candidate |
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| Episode 13 The Pact |
Episode 14 The Shippening |
Episode 15 The Brain |
Episode 16 The Parents |
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| Episode 17 The Founder |
Episode 18 The Schooling |
Episode 19 The Intelligence |
Episode 20 The Potion |
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| Episode 21 The Spinoffs |
Episode 22 The Transformation |
Episode 23 The Understanding |
Episode 24 The Ad |
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| Episode 25 The Ghouls |
Episode 26 The Stink |
Episode 27 The Awareness |
Episode 28 The Slip |
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| Episode 29 The Drama |
Episode 30 The Buddy |
Episode 31 The Possession |
Episode 32 The Master |
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| Episode 33 The Silence |
Episode 34 The Future |
Episode 35 The Wish |
Episode 36 The Factory |
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| Episode 37 The Agent |
Episode 38 The Web |
Episode 39 The Mess |
Episode 40 The Heart |
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| Episode 41 The Revolt |
Episode 42 The Decisions |
Episode 43 The BFFS |
Episode 44 The Inquisition |