The Tag/Transcript

The Trash Can Feud





 * This is a Senior Citizen's arrest!


 * What? Why?


 * For littering.


 * It's not littering if I'm putting trash in a trash can.


 * It is if it's my trash can. I knew you'd been stuffing your trash in here. It took me a week, but I caught you red-handed.


 * Wait, you've been hiding there for a week?


 * What I do with my retirement is my own business. Now leave this trash can alone. I own it!


 * But it's empty. You don't own the air inside it.


 * Yes I do!


 * You can't own nothing!


 * But I own the lid to nothing, and it's staying shut! Hmph!


 * Oh, think puffing out your chest is going to intimidate me?




 * Don't laugh!


 * Don't poke me!


 * I will poke you whenever I like!




 * Ahh!

House Arrest



 * And the police said I had to wear this thing [an ankle tracker] for...




 * Six weeks. And I can't leave the house or it...




 * Sets off an alarm and I'll be...




 * Sent to prison. And it was all...


 * and : His fault!


 * Dad, could you explain that again, this time using full sentences?


 * I'd love to, but I'm too busy...


 * Plotting my revenge!




 * Hmm... I see what's happening here.


 * Boys, I need you to sneak in to Mr. Robinson's house. There's this old prank I used to do in college.


 * College?


 * Okay, High school. Just do as I say.

The Feud Begins





 * [whispering] Dude, is she gone?


 * [whispering] Yeah, I think it's safe.




 * Okay, let's do this.




 * Right. Now we just need to find the butter. [takes one of the bags and goes through it] [stops whispering] Dude, what is it with old people and canned stuff? I mean look, [pulls out canned foods] canned pizza, canned yogurt, canned water?!


 * Shh! Just find the canned butter and get on with it!


 * [finds the canned butter in the bag and opens it] You know what? Now that we're here I don't think we're doing the right thing.


 * Well, we can't disobey Mr. Dad, he told us to put butter on everything in the house!


 * Hmmm... look, let's compromise. We'll just pick one thing and butter that.

Buttered Floors



 * Margaret? We're out of canned toothpaste. AAH!




 * On second thought, maybe we shouldn't have chosen the floor.


 * I feel so guilty. We've reduced a beautiful vintage gentleman, to a greased up, slidy sausage!


 * We have to make up for this. Let's tell Mr. Robinson we'll help him settle the score with Dad.

I Might Forgive You



 * [while crying] ...And we only did it because we didn't want to lose the unconditional love of our father!


 * Under ordinary circumstances I'd be so furious with you my kidneys would fail. But I think I'll forgive you.




 * [in a dry voice] Good. Because I've cried so much, all the moisture is gone from my body.


 * I hadn't finished. I'll forgive you if you do something for me first!

The Bathtub Filled With Cheese



 * [takes off robe and gets in the bathtub. Melted cheese seeps out of the bathtub] Wait... this isn't water! [sticks a finger in the cheese and tastes it] I'm in a bath of melted cheese! [quietly] I've been wishing for this for twenty years. [opens a secret compartment in the wall, containing a bag of "Nacho Crisps." He dips one in the bath and eats it.]




 * I feel so guilty, we betrayed our own father!




 * Uh, I don't know man, he still looks pretty happy.


 * WHAT?! NOOOOO!


 * Ah... there it is!


 * Robinson stole all my cheese! [to himself] He must have done it while I was in that magic bath.... [out loud] But how did he trick the tag?

Trying To Trick a Tag



 * Okay boys, here's the plan. Hold my foot.




 * You put your dirty hands on my cheese, you get my greasy fingers on your windshield!




 * Ughhh... I'm losing my grip!


 * His ankle is too wide for my hands!




 * Grab his pants!



What Don't You Understand?



 * What part of under house arrest don't you understand?


 * Hmmm... I guess the word under. Because technically you're inside the house.


 * If you leave your house again, we'll find you in fifteen minutes and put you in prison! Keep an eye on your father, kids.


 * Don't worry officer. The whole thing was just a silly feud.


 * Now things are even, there's no reason Mr. Robinson would seek revenge!




 * MY CAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

Bee On A Stick



 * Ehh.. almost.


 * Mr. Robinson, we need you to stop this feud or you and dad are gonna end up in prison.


 * Almost there... darn it! [pulls back in the long stick, which is made up of household items that have a long reach]


 * What are you doing, anyway?


 * Trying to get back at your father, but this thing's still not long enough!




 * What the wasp? Mr. Robinson! This argument has spiraled into madness! It has to stop.


 * Not till your father pays for what he did to my car.


 * Then you leave us no choice, sir. Darwin?




 * Stop the feud, or I'll reset your alarm clock.


 * No! I won't know how to reprogram it!


 * Then end it!


 * Never!


 * How would you like to wake up at 6? 7? 8? Or 9 a.m.?


 * 9 a.m.?! I'll lose half the day!


 * You know, this can end anytime you like.


 * Humph. Do your worst. My bladder will wake me up at five anyway.


 * Well then, how would you like your radio tuned to young people's music!




 * AGH! HE SAID THE WORD "BABY" OVER SEVENTEEN TIMES! TURN IT OFF!




 * Okay! Okay! I give up! I'll end the feud. But please, can you do this one thing for me in return? [pulls out an envelope] I can't leave the house to post this letter. Would you do it for me?


 * Sir, it would be an honor.