The Matchmaker/Transcript

Darwin's in Love!


your photo on the screen. My eyes well up, I vent my spleen, your photo on the screen.
 * Your smile answers my silent screams,

My heart is drenched in gasoline. You look at me, yet I'm unseen, your photo on the screen.
 *  Your chair a throne, you're like a queen.

Without you, I can't breathe! Without you, I can't brea--


 * What's going on, bro?


 * Nothing!


 * Then, whose photo are you singing about?


 * No one's! Now if you'll excuse, I'm going to go look blissfully at the sunset.


 * Dude, it's 2 P.M..


 * Then, I'll be gone for a while.


 * Teri?!? AW! He wuvs her, but he doesn't know how to tell her!  This kid needs help, badly, and there's only one person who can help him badly enough!

Planning a Series of Bleak Events

 * Okay, so the plan is we make her fall in love with you, then you guys date, become high school sweethearts, go to separate colleges and probably experiment more, break-up after a massive argument because one of you cheated. Then, you'll have to marry someone else and have kids because you'll want to feel normal, but one day, you'll do an online search to see if either of you got fat or bald. Next thing you know, you'll be paying a ton of money on divorce and alimony, but don't worry because the time you realize your mistake, you'll be in your winter years where all that matters is having someone to fight with.


 * What are you talking about?


 * Sorry. Normally, I would talk through my plans with Darwin, but he can't really know about this one.


 * That wasn't a plan. That was just a series of bleak things that will probably happen.


 * Yeah, but still. Will you help me make her fall in love with Darwin?


 * Well, it depends. Who's the "her" in this conversation?


 * Teri! Darwin's into Teri.


 * Oh, really? I see.


 * I know! Weird, right? I thought he was into you, but, nope, it's definitely Teri! There's photographic evidence if you want to see it. Look! Look! Look! See, it's her! It's Teri! Can you see? Look! Look! Look! Look! You're not looking!

Darwin's Poem

 * The only difference between love and pain is the spelling. The only difference between me and you is...is...


 * ...is the way I'm smelling!


 * Can kids buy potions?


 * What do you mean?


 * You know, some kind of love potion that tricks you into thinking everyone is beautiful.


 * That sounds more like a mistake potion and we need a fake I.D. to buy one.


 * Well, do you know how to make one? We need to help him out before he grows a fringe.


 * No, sorry, I don't, and what's wrong with emo hair?


 * Uhh...


 * I suppose it's not for everyone.


 * I got an idea! They say the feeling of falling in love is similar to experiencing a life-or-death situation.


 * So?


 * So, let's give Teri a little adrenaline rush! Come on, I'll need your help!


 * Uh, sure. I'll help you.


 * Great!


 * I'll help you fail!

Get to the Quarantine Room!

 * Quick, save yourself! There's been a poisonous chemical spill! Get to the quarantine room!


 * MY SKIN! IT BUUUURRRRRNS!!!


 * Oops.


 * Hmm, kind of looks like soda...


 * NO! It's a lethal cocktail of chemicals that will completely destroy your metabolism, and deform your body until your butt crack reaches your shoulder blades!


 * Yup, that's soda. Oh, Gumball, you're such a hypochondriac.


 * NO! The quarantine room is right there! *Sigh*   *Sigh* Well, I guess we better get Darwin out of the quarantine room before the nurse gets back.


 * I don't think there's a cure for that.

EXPOSED!

 * What are you doing?

I'm eating as much as I can before it comes back.


 * Before what comes back?


 * The knot in my stomach.


 * Okay, you know what all girls like?


 * Being treated like they're all the same and having generalizations made about them?


 * What? No. They all hate that, but they all love a guy who's not scared of being vulnerable. Share your secrets. She'll love you for your imperfections.


 * I don't think she's going to fall for the guy who pees in the fish bowl when the water's cold.


 * Fine. Whatever. It wasn't my idea. It was hers.


 * Okay! If she wants me to expose myself, then I expose myself!


 * What?


 * Verbally.


 * I HAVE A CLOACA BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, AND I'M TOO SCARED TO LOOK IT UP! ONE TIME I HAD A BIT OF MEAT STUCK IN MY TEETH FOR A WEEK, I SWALLOWED IT, INSTEAD OF SPITTING IT OUT, AND IT TASTED LIKE TOOTHPASTE! AND WHEN I FEEL AWKWARD, I FORGET HOW TO WALK, OKAY BYE!


 * What was that?

I Guess He's Not Into You...

 * Right! Plan C! We secretly marry them online, and hope that Teri's love will grow over time.


 * Great plan...


 * Thank you.


 * If C stands for "SERIOUSLY STUPID"!


 * That's not even how you spell "serious," so that doesn't even work, and we're not even on plan "S", so "shhh". That starts with an "S".


 * Why did you even have to drag me into this? You know very well that I "like" Darwin. It's written all over my face.


 * Your face is literally two dots and a line. It's like morse code, what does that expression even mean? Are you intrigued? Skeptical? Hungry?


 * I'm disappointed.


 * Oh.. Look, I'm really sorry. He's just not into you I guess.


 * I meant I'm disappointed in myself. If you like someone, you're supposed to help them find happiness, not ruin their chances.


 * Aw come here.


 * Also I lied.


 * About what?


 * I do know how to make a love potion.

Concocting a Love Potion

 * A part of him, a part of her, and one last ingredient: the tear of someone who loves him.


 * Uh, where's that music coming from?


 * It's just what happens when you stir a love potion.

I Can See It

 * Mmm...


 * It's fine. This is all for Darwin.


 * Wait, what are you doing?


 * Well, I thought it would be more romantic than putting it in their drinks when they're not looking.


 * Uh, hmm.


 * AHH I LOVE YOU TERI!


 * AHH I LOVE YOU TOO DARWIN!


 * I can still see..

It was Carrie, not Teri.

 * What the --? Dude, are you nuts?!? I'm pretty sure you just punched a hole in the ozone layer, man!


 * I just want to smell my best for my date!


 * Hmm?


 * What?


 * Well, I think I'm owed a little "thank you-" A little "thank you for-" Dude, there's still way too much deodorant. I think I'm owed a little "thank you" for fixing your love life.


 * What are you talking about?


 * Darwin, I saw it.


 * Saw what?


 * Your photo of Teri. Let's just say, Carrie and I lent a "helping hand" and lets just say that this "helping hand" involved the dark arts in a dangerous weapon. Because it did.


 * Ohh, that's not a photo of Teri, it's of Carrie! But she doesn't show up on film.


 * What?


 * Yeah, she used to be the girl of my dreams. Anyway, gotta go, don't want to be late for the date with the new love of my life.


 * Carrie, Carrie, Carrie!


 * What?


 * Give me a gentle slap on the arm.


 * What was that for?


 * I, uh- got it all mixed up. Darwin never loved Teri, he loved you!


 * But you slapped me already so you've had your revenge!


 * Ugh, so what now?


 * Instead of playing matchmaker, we're going to have to play match-breaker!

Matchbreakers!

 * Teri invited you to an event: your wedding?  Attending.

True Love

 * Alright, Enough!


 * What?