The Coach/Transcript

Attempting to Escape Gym Class

 * Are you sure this is gonna work? 'cause I really don't want to go to gym class.
 * Ah! My legs are trying to kick my brain for just thinking about it. But don't you worry. Today's the day the plan works.
 * But it's already gone wrong so many times. Maybe we should just accept our fate and go to gym class. OW!
 * Don't say that word. You're making them angry. Just let me deal with this.
 * What is it? No, I haven't lost weight. No, I haven't done something new with my hair. No, you don't have the Bubonic Plague. No, you can't have a second opinion on that, therefore, no, you cannot get a note to skip gym class. What was that?
 * Don't worry about it. What's more important is that I respect you as a professional and I commend you for your dedication to medical practice. And for this, I would like to personally shake you by the hand.
 * Did you just give me a quarter?
 * And there's plenty more where that came from. How does a thousand cents sound to you?
 * Ten dollars?
 * How does a hundred cents sound to you?
 * A dollar? If I just wrote you a note now, would you promise never to come back?
 * I swear.
 * Hey, that's an I.O.U.
 * Told you it would work.
 * Why are you kids not in gym class?
 * We've got a sick note.
 * Where is this sick note exactly?
 * I think it's in there somewhere.
 * How convenient. You don't look very sick to me. And you look at me in the eye when I'm talking to you.
 * Uh... sure. Let me just take a step back. What the...? What's going on here? You don't seem to be getting any further away. Oh, there we go. Hi, mis...ter.
 * You can call me Coach. Now get to gym class.
 * Where is this sick note exactly?
 * I think it's in there somewhere.
 * How convenient. You don't look very sick to me. And you look at me in the eye when I'm talking to you.
 * Uh... sure. Let me just take a step back. What the...? What's going on here? You don't seem to be getting any further away. Oh, there we go. Hi, mis...ter.
 * You can call me Coach. Now get to gym class.
 * You can call me Coach. Now get to gym class.

Gym Class

 * What's going on?
 * I have no idea, but it's horrible!
 * Code Red! I repeat -- Code Red! This is not a drill! This body is exercising!
 * Somebody do something!
 * What do I do? what do we do? I can feel myself getting healthier!
 * Well, in circumstances like this, I think it's safe to say that now would be the right time to... FREAK OUT!
 * Hey, Watterson, If your sweat reaches me, I'm gonna invite you to a pain party, where the only guests are you, me and my fist.
 * It's not sweat. It's my organs crying.
 * Come on, Watterson. If you can't manage a simple push-up, how are you ever gonna do a cartwheel?
 * Why would I ever want to do a cartwheel?
 * Because everything you learn in gym class could make a difference in your life one day.
 * What possible use could I have for knowing how to do a cartwheel, apart from physically replacing the wheel on a cart?
 * Maybe the day you want to win gold in the 1986 Olympics.
 * That's not a cartwheel. That's just a photo of you upside down.
 * Yeah, well, that still doesn't prove it's useful.
 * Oh, really? Jamie, you're running being chased by a pack of angry dogs, but oh, no, you've dropped your pen. Now, do you let those dogs have that hard-earned pen, or do you cartwheel your way out of it like a boss?
 * Statistically, that is quite unlikely, but in that highly illogically and incredibly specific situation, I guess you do have a point. But what about that stuff?
 * Let me paint you a picture. You're being chased by another pack of angry dogs. You've reached a ravine with only asymmetric bars allowing you to reach the other side. They want your pen. What do you do?
 * I guess I'd just turn on my jet pack, fly over the ravine, land in my flying car, and drive to space.
 * That's completely unrealistic. Jamie, come here and show Watterson how you would do it.
 * Perfect. You remind me of me at your age.
 * Except for the fact she has a neck.
 * Faster. That's not how you take gold at the '96 Olympics.
 * Oooooh, man! That was my pants!
 * Try and go faster! Speed will blur your shame.
 * I can't! I'm at full speed! Do something! Anything!
 * Hold on! I'm gonna try and put them back on in three, two...
 * Okay, so you've just been to the mall, but suddenly in the car park, you see a pack of angry dogs who --
 * Yeah, yeah. Why don't we just let Jamie show us how to do it?
 * And that is how you win three gold medals in trampolining. Now show me what you got.
 * Higher. Higher. Higher.
 * Angry dogs -- three. Watterson -- nil. Lesson over.
 * Try and go faster! Speed will blur your shame.
 * I can't! I'm at full speed! Do something! Anything!
 * Hold on! I'm gonna try and put them back on in three, two...
 * Okay, so you've just been to the mall, but suddenly in the car park, you see a pack of angry dogs who --
 * Yeah, yeah. Why don't we just let Jamie show us how to do it?
 * And that is how you win three gold medals in trampolining. Now show me what you got.
 * Higher. Higher. Higher.
 * Angry dogs -- three. Watterson -- nil. Lesson over.
 * And that is how you win three gold medals in trampolining. Now show me what you got.
 * Higher. Higher. Higher.
 * Angry dogs -- three. Watterson -- nil. Lesson over.
 * Angry dogs -- three. Watterson -- nil. Lesson over.
 * Angry dogs -- three. Watterson -- nil. Lesson over.

School Cafeteria

 * How am I gonna eat? Coach worked all my muscle groups. Even my tongue hurts.
 * Coach told me I need to cut out the carbs. And that's all I am!
 * When Coach said they were gonna get us into shape, I never expected to look like this.
 * That workout was horrible. I actually feel alive.
 * If you don't get out of my way, you're gonna meet the new "Fistory" Teacher, Professor Knuckles, for a two-hour lesson of pain. Now move!
 * What are you still doing here?
 * To be honest, the pain from moving would be worse than the pain from your fists, so just go ahead.
 * The only type of fighting I tolerate is on the mat like when I won the gold medal in Tae Kwon do at the 1988 Olympics. Bandal Chagi. Dollyo Chagi. Yeop Chagi.  Jamie, you apologize to Watterson this instant.
 * Yes, Coach. I-I'm sorry, Coach.
 * Now, what do we say to people we've upset?
 * I'm sorry, Gumball, for what I said. Let's put our differences to bed. I hope these words will make amends and we can be the best of friends.
 * Yes, Coach. I-I'm sorry, Coach.
 * Now, what do we say to people we've upset?
 * I'm sorry, Gumball, for what I said. Let's put our differences to bed. I hope these words will make amends and we can be the best of friends.

The Next Day

 * What?
 * You apologised.
 * Yeah, whatever. You better shut up if you don't want Mr. and Mrs. Pain to invite you to dinner. They only serve filet o'fist!
 * It's okay, Jamie. You can left that anger go. You touched our hearts yesterday.
 * Oh, I'll touch your heart...with my fist!
 * That's...quite a vivid image, but understand you don't have to be a bully anymore. Coach saw what we were all too blind to see. That you're really a sweet, kind...orange thing with, uh, a hat or a wig or some kind of a helmet and horns that we're proud to call our friend.
 * I am not anyone's friend! The only friends I need are grandma and grandpa fist. And they don't give candy. I'm gonna show you! I'm gonna do something so bad, it'll go down in school history!
 * We're gonna have to work on Jamie's hugging technique.
 * You don't think Jamie's really gonna do anything bad, do you?
 * Of course not. Just because she fed Anton to the ducks... ...or that she chewed Teri's own body to spit it back in her face...  ...or that she ate a little bit of Sarah and Banana Joe.
 * Dude, stop talking about it! I can't take any more horrible flashbacks!
 * But people change. Just because she did all that doesn't mean she's capable of climbing into the back of a teacher's car to do something so that it'll go down in school history!
 * Dude, we got to do something!
 * Hold up! Let's try the easy way first. Coach! Coach! Coach!
 * Coach! Behind you! Coach! Coach! Watch out, Coach! COACH!
 * Dude, stop it! It's pretty clear Coach can't hear you.
 * You're right... JAMIE! JAMIE!
 * No, we need a shortcut. There!
 * Coach! Behind you! Coach! Coach! Watch out, Coach! COACH!
 * Dude, stop it! It's pretty clear Coach can't hear you.
 * You're right... JAMIE! JAMIE!
 * No, we need a shortcut. There!