The Puppy/Transcript

A New Pet



 * Alright team, let's rehearse this one more time.




 * I'd like to start today's presentation by asking you one important question. Is your family happy? I know what you're gonna say. "Sure, we're pretty happy", but ask yourself this, could this family be more happy?


 * Good, now don't forget to compliment the buyer.


 * Love your shoes by the way, I have the same pair myself.


 * Dad doesn't wear shoes.


 * Love your feet by the way, I have the same pair myself. So how are we going to turn this averagely happy family into the happiest family in the business? I'll tell ya how, expansion. Let me present, the Puppy Project. Now I'll pass you on to our field expert.


 * Thank you, Greg. I've been in the pet business for a while. In fact, if you check my resume, as an ex-animal companion myself, I have the skill set to manage this Puppy Project, and take it to the next level from canine nutrition to hygiene supervision and maximization of open space ambulation.


 * Good, you blind the buyer with science, then we hit them with the big sell. Here's the graph showing our current happiness levels. Hm, not bad, but let me show you our projections for the next few quarters! as you can see, through the roof


 * Now let's see some mock-ups from our art department. Think about it! This could be you. This could be us.


 * Good! Now go aggressive to seal the deal!


 * Please, can we get a puppy, PLEASE, can we get a puppy, PLEASE, CAN WE GET A PUPPY?


 * Alright. Let's pester this man until he begs for mercy, then pester some more.




 * What the pop?! He vanished!




 * So, I saw this commercial on TV yesterday for washing powder and I thought about how much you would need to clean a monkey and then I thought about how cute monkeys were with their furry, little faces, and then I thought that puppies were even cuter than dogs, so that's why I bought a sandwich.


 * What's in the box, then?


 * A puppy. That's what you guys wanted, wasn't it?




 * YAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!




 * Ugh. What is that? It looks like an angry, green hat.


 * Nah, more like a very mean, old man carrying a sad house on his back.


 * Myeeh, or like an evil wiener poking out of a ravioli.






 * Please tell me that isn't a puppy.


 * Definitely isn't a puppy.


 * I can't believe you've done this, Richard! Having a pet is a big responsibility and I don't have time to look after a- elllch. What on earth is that?


 * It's a Labradoodle. It's a Labra-turtle.


 * If you kids wanted a turtle-


 * We didn't want a turtle.


 * Well, you should of thought of that before making your father buy one.


 * But we didn't-


 * And you better take good care of it, because that little guy is your responsibility... for as long as he lives!



Bonding with the Turtle



 * Look, I agree that he's kind of mega-gross, cold, wet, smells like a belly button, and has the beady eyes of a ventriloquist dummy, but he's part of the family now, so we're gonna love him like a Watterson.


 * OK, where do we start?


 * Well, the best way to make a bond with a new pet is physical contact.


 * Ehhhh, come here, little guy. Eeeehhhhhh, maybe not.


 * Dude, don't let your fear prevent you from having a beautiful relationship.


 * I'm not scared, I just don't think he likes me.




 * Really, the "I feel sorry that you can't feel love" face? Fine, I'll touch him.


 * Oh come on, that's not petting. He can't feel anything on his shell.


 * Alright, fine. What the-OHOHOHOH! Okay!  There, there. Good boy. Happy now?   It's even grosser on the inside! Ow! Ow!  Would it make me a bad person if I said I really, really don't like this turtle?


 * and : Yes, yes it would.


 * Okay, I'll just think it really hard. I really, really don't like this TURTLEEEEE!!!
 * Okay, maybe he's not ready for physical contact yet.
 * Maybe he's just hungry. I get pretty cranky when I'm hungry.
 * What are you gonna feed him -- Souls? I'm sorry, but I'm calling it. That turtle is... evil incarnate!
 * I'm sure he's more scared of us than we are of him. Who knows what's going through his head right now?
 * : Bite, bite, bite! Eat food for strength to bite, bite, bite! Make little turtles to bite even more!
 * Or maybe he's just anxious because this is our territory. We should give him his own space. There! You can bring over now!
 * Dude, if you treat him like a vicious criminal, he's bound to behave like one. Put him down. Good. Now take off your armor. You'll have to trust him if you want him to trust you.
 * Okay, now what?
 * Talk to him.
 * And... now we just sit back, relax, and watch him become at one with us and his surroundings.
 * Talk to him.
 * And... now we just sit back, relax, and watch him become at one with us and his surroundings.
 * And... now we just sit back, relax, and watch him become at one with us and his surroundings.

Getting rid of the turtle

 * Now I know what you're gonna say... "You promised to take care of it, you're shirking responsibility!" But ask yourself this: Who is really responsible here? The person who is given the responsibility, or the person who gave that person the responsibility". I say technically you can only blame yourself.


 * That is a very convincing argument. Unfortunately to persuade this family CEO the turtle would have to do something absolutely horrific.


 * OH MY GOSH IT'S ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIC!!


 * I can`t believe you did that. I mean, there`s horrific and there's absolutely horrific but you were..


 * Dad, this is a parking lot. Where`s the store?


 * It`s gone.


 * What do you mean "it`s gone"?


 * It was right there! It was a small store, it was bright red and had a door that slid open like this and the man inside sold puppies and watches and stereos and fur coats and golf clubs and fireworks and he was such a nice man...


 * Dad, that was a van.
 * You bought a turtle from a man, in a van.
 * Such an awesome store....
 * What's that?
 * He fixed up my car as well.
 * He fixed up my car as well.

Operation The Awesome Store

 * So, we're here and we know the store was here, and if we draw a line between them it spells the letter "I" and we all know that there's no "I" in team, so we know that the van isn't in a sports center. But look what happens when I draw a line here, and here: the trident Of Poseidon, lord of the sea. You know what that means? It means that the store is waiting for us at 475 West Elmore Boulevard!






 * All Right Let's Take The Turtle There


 * To SWITZERLAND